Game of Thrones recap, The Mountain and the Viper

jThis episode picks up at the Mole’s Town brothel, where some off-duty men of the night’s watch are having a blast belching pop hits like the Rains of Castamere. A band of Wildlings shows up to propose a peace treaty over some brewskis, but they’re so disgusted by the toxic blend of gas and Top 40 that they end up slaughtering everyone in sight.

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Ygritte finds Gilly hiding with Sam Jr. and takes pity on them, presumably because no woman can harm a gurgling bundle of joy (except, you know, that wench who threatened to baby shake him a few minutes earlier). Ygritte really spares Gilly because she and Jon Snow need couple friends for double-date night stat.

Image taken from Ygritte's vision board
Image taken from Ygritte’s vision board

There’s definitely somethin-somethin happening between Grey Worm and Missandei, who’ve gotten quite close during all those tutoring sessions. Grey Worm’s learning quickly except for proper pronoun usage, but who among us hasn’t conflated an I for a me? After Missandei catches him ogling her during communal bathing hour, she and Dany ponder what, exactly, gets castrated during castration. Grey Worm tries to apologize for staring, but Missandei says “I’m glad you saw me” because she’s been putting off her annual mole check.

Meanwhile, judging by his expression and the hand insignia, Selmy receives an overdue Allstate bill with some pretty steep late fees. It turns out to be a letter  pardoning Jorah’s illegal slave trade dealings in exchange for intel on the Targaryean girl. Jorah begs Dany for forgiveness and tries to explain he’s really on her side. But Dany doesn’t get Showtime, so she can’t watch Homeland and doesn’t know you can be turned. She sends Jorah packing with a serious case of the sads, and the bitter irony that it was he who advised her against premium channels.

In the aftermath of Lysa Arryn’s death, Littlefinger and Sansa are called to give testimony before a panel of people who –like most in the Vale– can best be described as would-be Hufflepuff members–no sorting hat needed for this lot. Sansa reveals her true identity for cred, but insists that Lysa’s Moon Door incident was suicide. The panel believes Sansa cause she’s got mad acting chops, but mostly because Lysa was breastfeeding a preteen, and it feels so good to finally admit how weird that was. (Robin seems to be coping with his mother’s death pretty well, considering he’s been abruptly cut off from his main food source.)   Later, Sansa tells Baelish she “knows what he wants”, and then I think they might have done it? Because afterwards she ditches her mennonite style gowns for a sexy black dress with pointy shoulder feathers. Sansa’s not a girl anymore, ya’ll.

before
before
after
after

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane vs Oberyn “Inigo Montoya” Martell. They’ll fight to the death to determine Tyrion’s innocence or guilt in Joffrey’s murder, because that makes a ton of sense. While the Mountain’s strategy is just being the Mountain, Oberyn’s fancy footwork and lack of armor have us thinking he thought this was a  ribbon dance-off.

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He’s light on his feet with gravity defying tricks up his sleeve. But just when we think Oberyn managed to pull off a W, the Mountain crushes his face with his bare hands.

like this, but with a hand
like this, but with a hand

Looks like Tyrion’s headed to the guillotine. But then again, he did just do some really offensive impressions of his differently abled cousin, soo..I guess I’m as OK with it as I’ll ever be.

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