The Bachelor, Ep 1

The Bachelor

Chris Soules lives in Iowa and is a farmer. This means he shovels, wanders through corn fields, rides the tractor, and talks a lot about “the harvest.” He’s willing to relinquish these duties if it means he doesnt have to hang out at the old man bar for three months he’ll return to Iowa with a wife.

Chris takes his Bachelor role very seriously and is getting appropriately ripped by training with the juicehead from Andi’s season. They maybe tried to recreate American Gothic.

Chris rides his motorcycle all the way to LA.  Bachelor show runners have provided him with a one-room log cabin to ensure he has a comfortable retreat from the big city.

The Bachelorettes (Take a look at their bios if you haven’t yet, and learn how #2 and other things that human bodies do like grow hair and perspire are crippling fears for womankind.)

Limo 1

Britt, 27. The one who got the first impression rose.

Chris had a literal interpretation of the first impression rose, bestowing it upon the girl he met first.

There was a lot of whispering, panting, and maybe weeping? when Britt stepped out of the limo to embrace Chris. She offered him her shoulder to cry on and btw she wants to move to Iowa.  She’s really into free hugs (not to be conflated with free love–her last relationship was celibate) so Michelle Money called her a dirty hippy who doesn’t bathe.

From Britt’s bio:

Who do you admire most in the world? People who face danger to promote or defend the things they believe in. That’s really living what you talk about.

Could mean the troops, could mean pipe bombing planned parenthood.

Also, David Foster Wallace is her favorite author because of his way with words and eccentricity. Which makes me wonder: a) how many pages is DFW’s shortest short story; and b) has she met Chris?

Whitney, 29. The one with a cartoon voice.

Whitney helps barren couples complete their families as a handmaiden fertility nurse, and she’s really excited to talk to Chris about inseminating hogs.  She made an advent calendar to count down meeting Chris, and described the thrill of crossing off each day. She sounded like she’d inhaled helium, making her seem even more batshit than if she’d just said all the above in a normal voice. Chris was impressed by Whitney.

Kelsey, 28. The widow.

And Miley Cyrus look-alike. Kelsey tragically lost her husband to sudden death but thinks we have more than one soul mate, a belief also held by Miley Cyrus.

Megan, 24. The airhead.

I had high hopes for Megan after learning from her bio that she’s from a cool town (Nashville),  she once threw up in her purse, and she appreciates Step Brothers. But on the show she came across spacey and overwhelmed, at one point announcing “I’m so confused” and pointing at her brain to indicate a malfunction.

Ashley I, 26. The Italian.

At first glance I assumed Ashley I was a JAP.  She’s a Fran Drescher doppelganger who hails from Jersey, loves cruising, and is actually a nanny (occupation on her bio was changed to “freelance journalist”). But then I googled her and saw she belongs to the other ethnic white group that loves cruising.

Limo 2

Trina, 33. The cougar.

The oldest bachelorette, Trina donned a black lace dress with teased blonde hair swept to the side because she’d been told the theme was 80s night that’s how she dresses.

Reegan, 28. The serial killer donated tissue specialist.

So, the heart in the biohazard cooler was an actual human heart. You know, the classic psychopath move of showing off the kill while hiding in plain sight? No rose for Reegan.

Tara, 26. The sports fishing enthusiast alcoholic.

“Tara is like, wasted drunk” Chris concludes.

Indeed, she was a whiskey-fueled mess during the rose ceremony, wobbling, stomping, hiccuping, hyperventilating, and hugging herself like a refugee without a blanket. All of this triggered Chris’ first panic attack of the season. He stepped out to pow-wow with Chris Harrison, torn because he’d been charmed by her country girl shtick–she arrived dressed for a rodeo but quickly changed into a LBD.

According to her bio, Tara considers marriage one of several legal unions to have over a lifetime, which is a common viewpoint of Floridians.

Call me crazy, but I find her endearing and bet there’s an elegant softy under that rough and tumble exterior.

Amber, 29. The only woman of color.

So naturally she barely got any airtime. Her limo arrival was trumped by Tara’s wardrobe change, but she brought a teddy bear, adding to the ways in which grown women have infantilized themselves on the Bachelor. Sill, she gets points for being a bartender, liking Reservoir Dogs (which I’ve never seen, but my mom enjoyed), and for having a tight relationship with her bro.

Nikki, 26. The tissue-shaped rock specialist.

Nikki didn’t get much airtime either, but according to her bio she would eat lunch with Joan Rivers, which I fully support. She was talking about Peru and Machu Picchu and gave Chris a “creepy” (her words) heart shaped pet rock (still Chris’ preferred heart gift of the evening).

Limo 3

Amanda,24. The secret admirer.

She made the limo driver hand Chris a note, which I assumed contained some variation of “will you go out with me” and a yes/no check box, but just instructed him to face away from the limo. She got out and hugged him from behind.

They tried to make Amanda seem crazy, but in reality she was just a little cooky. She was fairly composed during her one-on-one time with Chris. I was pretty smitten with her strong Midwestern accent.

She didn’t get a rose, but on the bright side her mom won’t kick her out of the house for embarrassing the family on national television…hopefully.

Jillian, 25. The jock.

Jillian has all the bells and whistles of a brain. She’s a brunette (smart person hair) DC-based (smart person town) news producer (smart person job) who likes “intellectual conversations.” But the Mike Tyson and Iron Man references in her bio threw me off. Turns out, she’s not a brain but a jock in denial. And as such, she led with her athleticism,  rippling her muscles all over the mansion. She may have bench pressed Chris at one point.

Mackenzie, 21. The baby.

This season’s youngest contestant not only is a baby but also has a baby.  She named him Kale. Chris appeals to her because he’s “like, a man.”

Mackenzie is a mom but her bio suggests she still needs some parenting, alternating between someone who thinks the opposite sex has cooties and hates going to the doctor (maybe Kale answered some?) and a 16 year old who just got her learner’s permit.

Biggest date fear: That they’ll smell bad

If I never had to get shots, I would be very happy.

If I never got to drive, I would be very sad.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would you be?
Mila Kunis, because she is perfect.

Mackenzie brings Chris a water color painting set, which makes sense because she reminds me of that waif girl from high school art class. She’s never heard of alfalfa, but wanted to know if it’s organic because future baby name.

Ashley S, 24. The girl with the xanax prescription.

Ashley S hails from Brooklyn, but her vibe was more over-medicated Stepford wife than over-dosing hipster.  She had a lot of  weird moments, beginning with putting some change she found in the LAX bathroom in Chris’ brand new Armani loafers. She rambled on about onions and pomegranates and gushed about her dream to ride a horse through a sunflower field. She stole Chris from another contestant and tried to offer a rose as compensation. I think she was sober, which is scarier.

Kaitlyn, 29. The alt girl.

She’s the most inked of the group (5 tattoos) and references ninja turtles and pirates in her bio.  Cant live without music because it’s ALL about the music, man.

Kaitlyn didn’t shut up the entire episode, and at one point casually slipped on some leggings to teach Chris awkward break-dance moves. Craves to be the center of attention by any means necessary, often opting for shock value via dirty jokes–like most of the alt kids you knew in 2001. Chris says Kaitlyn has a lot of the qualities he’s looking for in a wife.

The Twist

Chris is overwhelmed and requests a time out from meeting more women. The girls seem more thrown than pleased when he heads inside to hang out.  They actually start to worry that no one else is coming. Trina is “disappointed there aren’t more girls” (I guess she is here to make friends) while Ashley I complains “with 15 girls you have more pressure on you.”

But when Chris eventually leaves to greet more women pulling up to the mansion, they lose it. Kelsey astutely notes “they’re gonna walk right where we walked” while Jillian flexes and threatens to “smack-down” the latecomers.

And so, Limo Arrivals Part 2 is mostly overshadowed by the first 15 women freaking out. They form clusters of peanut galleries around the mansion, peering through windows and gates to spy on Chris and assess the new competition.

Limo 4

Samantha, 27. The brunette who wore a white dress.

She has brown hair and wore a white cocktail dress. Not to be confused with Kimberly, another brunette who wore a white cocktail dress. Or Brittany, who wore white lingerie.

Michelle, 25. The mom.

Michelle feels more mature than a typical 20-something, which she attributes to her two kids  (so there’s hope for Mackenzie). You can tell she’s mature because  she covers her shoulders. But she accidentally told Chris about her kids, so no rose.

Becca, 25. The glittery one.

She wore a sparkle romper.

Tandra, 30. The Mormon.

Tandra pulled up on a motorcycle in a gown and claimed to have gotten a lot of looks on the freeway. But I’m pretty sure she just rode it from the street into the driveway.

Assuming she’s Mormon because Utah, blonde, and thinks marriage is sacred.

Alissa, 24.  Sherri Ann Cabot from Best in Show.

Alissa loves dogs. She’s a flight attendant so it’s only a matter of time til she meets a sugar daddy of a certain age to bankroll her pooch obsession, while having an affair with Jillian the trainer.

She milked the stewardess angle by demonstrating seat belt safety, fastening the belt on Chris from behind and rendering him little spoon for the second time that night.

Limo 5

Jordan, 24. The wild child.

This coed emerged from the limo brandishing a pair of whiskey nips, but she never got Tara-level drunk. Still, when Kaitlyn pondered “if the drunk girl gets a rose, what other trash will he keep?” the camera cut to Jordan  (it should have just lingered on Kaitlyn). That telling moment gives me hope that Jordan will live up to her racy bio.

Will Chris be able to tell if Jordan is here for the “right reasons?” Will he care?

Nicole, 31. The ginger.

Nicole sported a pig nose to “make Chris feel at home” but was chastised by Ashley I for not doing her research, cause Chris doesn’t even have pigs (we cant all be freelance journalists, Ashley I). No rose for Nicole because Chris isnt into role play redheads.

Brittany, 26. The wrestler.

And lover of Frederick’s of Hollywood. She’d originally planned to dress as a ring girl but decided to go more formal last minute. No rose.

Carly, 29. The choir girl.

Carly may have prayed to Jesus throughout the evening, but the good Lord definitely wasn’t looking out for her when she serenaded Chris and the feedback from her janky karaoke machine ruined the song.

From her bio:

What’s the most romantic present you have ever received?

A handpicked flower from his walk to pick me up. Something about a man twirling a flower in his fingers…so sweet and thoughtful.

…i.e., lacks the ability to verbalize her sexual desires because of abstinence-only education (she’s from Texas).

Tracy, 29. The would-be cat lady.

An elementary school teacher who read letters from 8-year-olds imploring Chris to pick her. She kept talking about her fear of being a cat lady, but then Chris didn’t even know what a cat lady was.

Limo 6

Bo, 25. The plus-size model.

Chris told her that Iowa grows the nation’s best beef. Eliminated.

Kimberly, 28. The one who refused to leave.

Didn’t get much time with Chris and was eliminated. Kim provides the season’s first cliff hanger by storming back into the house while Chris and the women are engaged in some sort of rose toast huddle. It was pretty awkward–the rose toast huddle, that is.

Kara, 25. The devout concubine.

Loving the outfit in her head-shot, which I bet she considers “sexy yet tasteful.”

Kara told Chris that they’d make the cutest babies, cause they’re both white. She didn’t get a rose and then said something really weird about being a servant.

Jade, 28. The one who read at least one book.

Jade’s one-on-one time with Chris was accompanied by sentimental background music to let us know that something magical was happening while she told him a boring story about parking in Nebraska.

Luckily her bio suggests she’s one of the more intelligent contestants. She’s an entrepreneur who uses words like altruism and matriarchy. In response to the question “If you could be a fictional character, who would you be?” she’s the only contestant to choose someone from an actual novel and not a cartoon.

Juelia, 30. The blonde who wore a white dress.

From Portland, but not the Portlandia kind. The Tonya Harding kind.














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