The Bachelor, Episode 2

Kimberly makes a really strong case for why she should stay: “I don’t know, I just would like a chance, that’s all.” After giving it some thought asking dad Chris Harrison for permission, Chris announces that he’s keeping her. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Freelance journalist Ashley I explains: “I don’t like this, but at the same time it kind of shows us that Chris isn’t necessarily going to play by the standard rules, that he’s gonna make his own decisions.” From this point on, all of the women confuse Chris being a pushover with there being “no rules.”

The group date

The first date card says “Show me your country” or maybe “Show me you’re country”? It’s not clear if country is a noun or adjective. Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Tara, and Kimberly—the one who shouldn’t even be here–are taken to a hotel rooftop pool to take turns straddling Chris’ head play chicken and marco polo and try really hard not to get their hair wet. Chris and Kim do-over their introductions, as if something actually went wrong the first time they met other than Chris being too spineless to stick to his word. Kim gives him a potted succulent she took from the ladies restroom.

Next, the women race tractors on a street in downtown LA. Tara is very confident about her odds since she usually wears plaid and denim, but Mackenzie notes that Tandra is actually the most competitive, which should surprise no one who knows about Mormon business acumen Manifest Destiny. With the blessings of LA patron saint Kim Kardashian, Ashley I wins the race and gets to sit awkwardly in Chris’ lap in the tractor. Then Chris tells everyone to get lost so he can be alone with Mackenzie. The women try to put a positive spin on the rejection, pointing out how nervous Mackenzie was and how Chris must have noticed and is such a gentleman. “I think it’s sweet in a way” says Jade, looking devastated. Tara turns to the bottle. “It hurts walking away empty handed…just like always seems like Tara always walks away empty handed” she laments before downing a drink.

Mackenzie talks about her big nose kink and asks if Chris believes in aliens (he’s not sure because of crop circles). Chris says the conversation raised some red flags. I tend to agree since ghosts are my preferred ice-breaker topic. But she wins him over by opening up about her favorite vegetable son Kale. Chris replies “I really admire you for going through with that” which is something pro-lifers say about teen pregnancy. He’s really weirded out by Mackenzie but gives her a rose and makes out with her anyway. I have mixed feelings too but appreciate that she called attention to Chris’ pierced ear.

Back at the mansion, Jillian and Megan have their first One On One Date. In a one time only embarrassing slip For the rest of the season, Jillian’s nether regions are blocked with a censor bar even when fully clothed. Meanwhile, Juelia opens up to the women with two big reveals: 1) she has a daughter 2) her daughter’s father committed suicide, which means Kelsey is no longer the widow with the saddest story. Becca, sparkly romper girl, distinguishes herself as the most empathetic and capable of comforting Juelia rather than gasping in horror like the other women.

The Master Date

Megan and Chris have a magical day in the Grand Canyon. Megan’s date demonstrates how not overthinking thinking is the key to success on the Bachelor.

The massive group date, or, that time it became clear that they cast a mentally ill person for our entertainment.

Chris takes the women to shoot paintball guns at zombies. I was pretty scared, but more for the struggling actors who took this gig (cut to Ashley S firing off shots point-blank range at an already down zombie). Ashley S is even more out of it than she was in Episode 1. She thinks they are in Mesa Verde, which would have been a 12 hour drive.  Her behavior was so painful to watch  I thought Chris Harrison would make a public service announcement about mental illness and give a hotline number to call. This is a show that has called the EMTs for a contestant who was shivering, so it seems like a no-brainer that someone will do something for a woman who has lost touch with reality. But rather than sending Ashley S home to get help, Chris sends her to bed early and gives her a rose the next day.

The cocktail party

We learn that Ashley I is a virgin, which raises more than a few eyebrows since she loves to compare herself to Kim K. She grants Chris three wishes upon her belly button ring, but he has to rub it first (see Episode 1 write-up on Carly). Then they make out while everyone watches.

Britt may have won the first-impression rose but her confidence is already being tested. She puts on a brave face straight up lies to Chris and says she’s not worried or stressed about him dating other women. When they arent together all she does is cry because of how much it bothers her.

Amber asks Chris if they can kiss by covering her face with her hands and opening them up peek-a-boo style.  He agrees, and then she runs off to tell a wasted Jordan, who cannot handle that she hasn’t kissed him yet. Slurring incoherently, she interrupts Juelia’s One On One Time to try to make something happen but has zero game.

The rose ceremony

Jillian hears her name called and does some softshoe in excitement trips on the carpet when she realizes Chris actually called Juelia. Def not her fault though. Learn to E-NUN-CI-ATE, Chris.

Alissa, Jordan, Kimberly, and Tara do not get roses. Tara has the saddest exit interview of all time. Tara for Bachelorette!

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