The Bachelor, Episode 3

Funnyman Jimmy Kimmel co-hosts this week and cracks plenty of jokes, but the best part is watching Chris Harrison have the sneaking suspicion that he’s being edged out.

Master Date #1

A date card arrives for Kaitlyn, inviting her to an exclusive club with high ceilings and hors d’oeuvres.  Sounds like it’s going to be an extravagant date, so she dresses up for the fancy occasion with a belly shirt and flannel. She and Chris sip champagne in the limo ride to their unknown destination, but when they pull up to a Costco, Kaitlyn’s like, wait we’re seriously getting out? Turns out Jimmy wants them to do an every-day average couple activity like shop for bulk packages of toilet paper. A Jewish grandmother insists they try the cooked chicken while they’re loading up carts with folding chairs and giant tubs of condiments. Intoxicated by the powerful aphrodisiac of children’s germs and plastic, they make out inside an inflatable ball.

Kaitlyn is excited to continue doing normal things like pouring a glass of whiskey while they prepare dinner for Jimmy. But when Jimmy arrives they haven’t done anything except pour the whiskey. Jimmy asks questions about Kaitlyn’s past and we learn that she once dated a farmer guy who lived on a commune the summer before senior year. Jimmy offers Kaitlyn the rose on the 2-on-1 date and Chris returns to Iowa leaves and Chris and Kaitlyn congratulate themselves for having such a great time on their ordinary date hanging out with a celebrity.

The Group Date

The women compete in a series of tasks to test their farming abilities. First they have to shuck 15 ears of corn. Jimmy is surprised by how calmly Ashley S husks corn under pressure and makes a mental note to find out what she’s on. Next they have to find an egg in the chicken coup and fry it. Mackenzie excels at the finding part because of Easter egg hunts, but in true childlike fashion she cant crack an egg properly and gets eliminated. Poor Kale. Against the odds, Carly beasts through milking the goat (defective udder) and drinking  it (lactose intolerant) and catching the pig (Jillian’s epic gate-hop). Her reward is a blue ribbon and being the second person to recreate American Gothic with Chris this season. Alone with Chris and craving a kiss,  she uses her best line from TX’s Abstinence Only curriculum:  “You are a man and I am a woman, so I just wanted to take advantage.”

Mackenzie confronts Chris about all the women he’s kissing. As the first girl in the house that got kissed blabbed about getting kissed, Mackenzie doesn’t feel special anymore, but more so than the other women because she hasn’t learned about sharing yet.  Using his best line from Iowa’s Abstinence Only curriculum, Chris explains that kissing is something a man does to a woman. The producers make Chris give the rose to Becca, who he hasn’t kissed.

Master Date #2

Whitney and Chris go to a winery where they just happen to notice a wedding. We are supposed to think that they spontaneously decided to crash the reception, but the truth is that Whitney planned the entire thing. She knows the bride IRL and pitched show-runners her idea to bring Chris as her +1. To this day Chris thinks they actually crashed a wedding. Whitney is a little bit like Amy from Gone Girl.

The Pool Party

Jimmy announces there will be a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Megan thinks it’s “the most best day ever” but Ashley I is irritated because she’d planned to do a Kardashian look that night. In a real MacGyver moment she repurposes her belly chain into a headpiece. Crisis averted.

Stepping up her game, Jade asks for a tour of Chris’ place and they end up making out in his bed. As the camera voyeuristically panned over her bikini-clad body from head to high-heeled toe, parents around the nation suddenly got up to go to the bathroom. Boyfriends around the nation excused themselves to do the same a couple minutes later.

Jillian doesn’t want the other girls to join her and Chris in the hot tub until she’s had sufficient One On One Time. Like a kid asking “are we there yet” on repeat, Mackenzie keeps coming back every few minutes: “Is it OK now?” When Ashley I finally gets alone time with Chris she cries about not having gotten it earlier. Chris thinks she’s upset because Tara interrupted them last week, which makes even less sense.

The Rose Ceremony

Tracy, Trina, and Amber are eliminated. Tracy and Trina were essentially edited out of the show, so that’s not a surprise. Amber, on the other hand, did get some air time, but her departure isn’t a surprise either. The fact that she was the only woman of color should be a pretty clear indicator that one of the many features Chris is looking for in a spouse is whiteness. Sanity does not appear to be on his wish list, as Ashley S is still in the competition.

 

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