The Bachelor, Episode 4

Group Date #1

The date card says “Let’s do what feels natural” and mass panic ensues because the women think they can’t wear makeup. Ashley I’s interpretation of a natural look is a bold red lip. Chris takes the women camping at a lake, which Kelsey calls a “dingy pond” and a “hell-hole.” But she’s not high maintenance, she just has really high standards for lakes. Ashley I and Kaitlyn take their bikini top and bottom off, respectively. Kelsey says that’s not appropriate and calls them bimbos. Tent-mates are assigned according to rank. Kaitlyn and Megan had master dates and kissed Chris. Mackenzie and Ashley had no master date but kissed Chris. Juelia and Samantha still have not spoken to Chris. Kelsey and Ashley S are unhinged.

During campfire chat the women agree they are the luckiest ladies in America, but Kelsey can’t resist countering “Really?” The women can smell her negativity, so, backpedaling, she says it’s “the most unique opportunity I’ve had in my entire life” which is from the college admissions essay template she gives her students. I had forgotten how weird high school guidance counselors are until this episode.

Ashley S makes up her own campfire songs while Mackenzie fantasizes about being abducted and probed by aliens. Chris tells Kaitlyn he is a touchy-feely guy but Kaitlyn prefers verbal affection. Not great Horrible with words, Chris lets the rose do the talking and gives it to Kaitlyn.

In the first attempt to show Chris who she really is (a virgin) Ashley I admits how shy he makes her while her tongue is in his mouth. When that doesn’t work, she wakes him up to say “I’ve been portrayed different than I really am” but she doesn’t say by whom.

The Master Date

The women back at the mansion have been told that Chris’ sisters will choose the master date this week and could arrive at any time to interview them. Aware of this rare chance to make an impression on future in-laws, they wait around in pajamas wearing yesterday’s makeup. The interviews are pretty humdrum except for Carly’s. When asked about her past relationships, she breaks down and reveals that she hasn’t had a guy be very nice to her.  It’s the second time this season things got real dark real fast (the casting agent who screened her was subsequently fired after already being on thin ice for Juelia’s suicide ordeal). The sisters like Whitney best, but the date is actually just a plug for the new Cinderella movie so they have to pick Jade, who strikes all the nonthreatening notes of Disney-brand femininity: not slutty but not prude (Becca); assertive but not aggressive (Jillian); pretty but not vampy (Britt); smart but not manipulative (Whitney);  experienced but not damaged (Carly); overlooked but not invisible (Nikki); and most of all NICE.

Jade enjoys all the perks of a princess makeover like getting to keep the Louboutins and diamonds and an off-camera gay man declaring “that color on your skin–GORGEOUS.” Ashley I is green with envy because she thinks this date was made for her, but has zero self awareness about her utter lack of Disney princess vibes. Cinderella’s step sisters–yes. But not Cinderella. Constantly hanging out with Mackenzie and regressing in maturity, she puts on her own princess gown and parades around in it for attention and refuses to take it off even during dinner, much like the time you did that when you were 7.

Group Date #2

In case you forgot, Group Date #2 is here to remind you: Jillian works out. Like a lot. Like so much that it’s weird and not feminine. And that’s really masculine.

The women each open up a box containing their very own David’s Bridal wedding dress. They’re whisked away on a private plane, positive that something romantic and over-the-top awaits them. Everyone is in good spirits but Jillian, who’s apprehensive about doing girly stuff. But the frilly dresses are a ruse–the date is a competition after all, and the most physically demanding one yet. The girls have to complete a mud obstacle course. Jillian doesn’t need help, but to ensure she wins the producers outfit her in a knee length A-line dress with full coverage. The other girls got strapless dresses or plunging necklines to limit upper-body movements, along with floor-length skirts of heavy fabric and tulle to weigh them down. Carly, chief of the gender police, says: “Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress. She’s a #@*$ dude. Is her muscle bigger than Chris’ muscle? Is her #@*$ bigger than Chris’…” An emasculated Chris explains “I was kinda trying to hang back to make sure nobody needed help.”

Jillian wins an intimate dinner with Chris overlooking San Francisco. Chris wants to know where she sees herself in 5 years. She claims she doesn’t know, but asks Chris if he’d rather be celibate for 5 years or have sex with a homeless woman. That sounds like a pretty solid 5 year plan to me. Chris sends Jillian home.

The Cocktail Party

Ashley I tells Chris she is a virgin. But then Becca is a virgin too and a more virginal virgin. Carly says Ashley I’s mouth isn’t a virgin, and doesn’t know what that means.

A little bird (Kelsey) told Britt how awful the camping group date was, and she makes the classic Bachelor mistake of using her One On One Time to ask the Bachelor what he sees in another girl. She accuses Chris of validating stripping by giving Kaitlyn the rose. Chris cannot form a coherent sentence and storms off, vowing to handle it like a man.

The Rose Ceremony

Chris barks at the women that he’s here to find a wife, and if they question that then they can go home. Mackenzie and Ashley I are like, that was soo weird. Chris calls Britt’s name last because she asked him a question that required thought. Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S (finally) do not get roses.

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