The Bachelor, Episode 5

Chris takes the 11 remaining women to Santa Fe. No one sings the eponymous b-side track from Rent. This will be Megan’s first time traveling outside of the U.S and she looks forward to visiting New Mexico’s renowned beach resorts. New Mexico is the 47th state and is landlocked.

The Master Date

Carly gets the first One on One and the date card says “Let’s come together.”  Told they’re seeing a Love Guru and ignorant of what’s in store, Chris and Carly encounter a meditating Eve Ensler “Love & Intimacy Mentor” Tziporah Kingsbury. Tziporah’s been briefed on the pair and immediately sets to work to undo six decades worth of misinformation and inadequate sex ed. It’s not until Chris is standing behind Carly while she’s bent over in downward facing dog that they realize Tziporah is a sex therapist. She tries to get them to take their clothes off while the cameras are rolling–and they’re feeding off each other’s passivity so it seems like they might actually do it. Carly finally chirps that she’s uncomfortable so it’s a no go. Instead, Carly blindfolds Chris and feeds him fruits dipped in chocolate, unaware that the 5 senses game is Megan’s sloppy seconds. Then Carly straddles him while they do a synchronized breathing exercise and in that moment The Bachelor became an indie film.

Later, the two have a dialog about their deepest insecurities. Carly’s ex never wanted to be physical with her so she doesn’t feel attractive. Chris is from Iowa.

Carly wants to find a guy who considers her “physically exactly what he’s always dreamed of” makes creepy images like this. Chris gives Carly the rose because Carly doesn’t know she’s beautiful and that’s what makes her beautiful.

Back at the house

Kelsey struggles to recall exactly what condition her roommate’s cousin husband dropped dead from. The only detail she remembers is that it happened while he was walking to work cause it was a beautiful day. The walk-to-work movement Walking hasn’t swept middle America yet (and won’t anytime soon due to her story) so she feels the need to explain why he didn’t commute by car like a normal person.

The Group Date

The group goes white-water rafting on the “Rio Grande River” (redundant but necessary because Megan). They sign a waiver stating the show isn’t liable if their foot gets stuck between two rocks and the downstream current drowns them even with a life jacket on. After falling overboard, Jade’s extremities go numb because she has an unnamed condition that makes it easy to get hypothermia. The other girls wish they had hypothermia too because Chris gave Jade a foot rub. Kelsey thinks the reason she never gets attention is because she’s always fine– and the wheels start churning.

Hanging out in the their hotel lobby afterwards, Jordan makes a surprise appearance to ask for a second chance, prompting the season’s first “I’m nothing like her so how could he possibly like us both?! ”  While attempting to pass off her crotch-length negligee as a cocktail dress,  Ashley accuses Jordan of not being lady-like. Chris asks each woman how it makes them feel that he might let Jordan return gives zero #@$%s  about them. After each woman says “not good” he walks away Charlie Brown style to send Jordan back on a bender home.

Chris gives Whitney the Rose, which causes drama because Whitney and Ashley had a spat about how Jordan should be treated–Whitney thought like a human and Ashley thought like a sorority pledge. Whitney’s nice girl act here is strictly to get a rise out of Ashley, whose insistence on being rude to Jordan is crucial to Phase 2 of Whitney’s plan to take down Ashley by etching her into the history books as this season’s mean girl. Ashley complains to Mackenzie that Whitney doesn’t deserve the Rose because she’s perky and fake. Mackenzie scratches her head and says “I’ve never seen anything bad in Whitney.” Phase 2 complete.

Master Date #2

Britt’s hygiene is called into question for the second time this season when Carly says that she needs to shower and wash her hair before the date. Britt doesn’t even deny it, so maybe her first impression rose win was just the result of extra pheromones flying.

Britt is super afraid of heights and freaks out when the date card says  “Sky’s the limit.” Carly tells her it’ll be OK and explains that Chris is the least judgmental person she’s ever met. What Carly doesn’t understand is that Chris doesn’t know how to make a judgement. So much so that he fails to judge how shushing last night’s date so he can make out with today’s date right in her face is a horrible idea.

Newly embittered, Carly gossips about Britt’s hygiene which ends up being spliced with Britt bouncing on Chris’ bed oohing and aahing over how clean everything is. We can’t help but think of what’s to become of Chris’ sheets.

Hail Mary #1

Determined to save herself from elimination, Kelsey puts on her best Land’s End ensemble and heads to Chris’ room. She tells Chris she’s a widow and explains how her husband died, including the bit about the beautiful day and walking to work. She starts making out with Chris one millisecond after finishing the story.

 The Cocktail Party Hail Mary #2

Chris excuses himself because he got a panic attack facing Kelsey, who’d sexually assaulted him only hours before. Chris Harrison announces the cocktail party is canceled because Chris knows who he wants to send home. Thinking back to Jade’s foot massage, Kelsey stages a panic attack to save herself.

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