The Bachelorette- Meet the guys

Bachelorette season is nigh! Will it be Britt or Kaitlyn? Who cares– let’s meet the suitors!

(Head here for the cast questionnaires & headshots. To see photos of all 25 bachelors casually hooking a thumb in a pant pocket, go to Facebook)

Ben H, 26

Last name initials are necessary for Bens? What is this, birthright?

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?
Nelson Mandela. He was punished and enslaved but showed grace and mercy in the end. He is a legend and his grace is something I would like to model.

Ben H, please stop recycling your short answers from the common app on this bachelorette questionnaire. Name dropping Madiba as a college hopeful is one thing, but not as a software salesman by day and reality tv show contestant by PTO. The dream is over.

Ben Z, 26

Did someone tell Ben Z  he’s the Bachelor?

It’s not about finding someone who’s perfect, but rather someone who’s perfect for you. I want to find someone who I can share my life with and have a blast doing it.

Bradley, 25

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
Play an NFL game in Tom Brady’s shoes. Get a taste of what a primetime football game would be like — then go home to Gisele.

That’s cool, Bradley. Just gonna leave this here.

Brady, 33

Most likely to whip out his guitar at the mansion for an impromptu entirely staged and premature serenade.

Chris, 28

This freak really does not want you to take a fry off his plate.

Frequents pickup-art forums:

Do you prefer hot-spot clubs or low-key bars?
Hot spots are designed for attractive young women and unattractive old men. I like bars because it’s where fun people go to meet each other.

Clint, 27

Still making Chuck Norris references even though the rest of us of got tired of that meme in 2007.

Corey, 30

Wallstreet ibanker with an amphetamine addiction.

Cory, 35

Watches way too much SVU:

Biggest date fear: Finding out my date’s really a dude

Can we get a last name initial for Cory #2 please? Not gonna be able to tell them apart just because Corey #1 has a silent e. Thanks.

Daniel, 28

Eurotrashy fashion designer wearing something questionable in his headshot photo.

David, 26

He has a very sweet smile and has dated a real house wife:

Biggest date fear: Bumping into an ex that makes a big scene

Ian, 28

He likes to build things! With his bare hands! Pray tell the fruits of your craftsmanship.

One time I made a clock with a picture in the background.

Jared, 26

Volunteers with sick children and chose to be Obama for a day. All very respectable.

But, I’m getting Jafar vibes from that jawline.

JJ, 32

Recently laid off and tried out for the show so he wouldn’t have to pay for his dates.

Biggest date fear: Wasting my time and money on someone who was just using me for dinner.

Only the cream of the crop for Britt and Kaitlyn, folks.

Joe, 28

Appalachian man meets troll doll hair.

Should probably reconsider his career choice in the insurance industry?

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Honestly that’s too far ahead. I’m a man that takes life one day at a time. If you look too far into the future you’ll ignore the present.

Jonathan, 33

Guerilla marketer for a Detroit-based auto company. So, expect a Ford pickup to be featured prominently during an outdoorsy group date, while Jonathan seamlessly weaves its features into casual conversation.

Josh, 27

Just a guy exotic dancin’ his way through law school. Let’s just all pause for a moment and acknowledge that this would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS fly for a bachelorette contestant. Men + stripping = lolz. Women + stripping = HARLOTRY PUNISHABLE BY STONING.

Joshua, 31

It wouldn’t be The Bachelorette without bachelor oedipal complexes–that’s just part of the magic. This one takes the cake, though:

Biggest date fear: My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow

Justin, 28

Do you consider yourself a romantic?
I do. I like to show someone how special they are to me. Romance has many vehicles to express how special someone is.

Kupah, 32

Bio reads like he just did free association of words:

What does being married mean to you?
FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER. Team, companion, friend. Mates, support, trust, balanced.

Ryan B, 32

Could pass as Andrew Rannells’ stand-in if he wore slim fit shirts and combed his comb-over in the opposite direction.

Accidentally tweeted a dick pic and is into rescue dogs,  likely also things he has in common with Andrew Rannells.

Ryan M, 28

He is a “junkyard specialist.” No idea what that is, but it sounds worthy of a reality spin-off on the History Channel.

Shawn B, 28

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be?
The Hulk. My two-year-old nephew is obsessed with the Hulk. I would love to surprise visit him and yell “HULK, SMASH!”

Someone’s third birthday party is gonna end abruptly in tears.

Shawn E, 31

Show-runners scoured Canada for a suitable match for Kaitlyn, and this amateur sex coach who can’t hold his farts in is the best they could come up with.

Explanation needed immediately about what distinguishes an “amateur” from a “professional” in that line of work. Is Shawn E really just posting creepy shit on Craigslist and calling it a career?

Tanner, 28

What does being married mean to you?
Finding your best friend…someone who makes the boring parts of life fun.

Taxes, laundry, waiting in line at the dmv: these are a few of our least favorite things that no woman can make fun. Talk to Corey with an e for help with that.

Tony, 35

He is a healer (??) whose hairstyle says “I left my baja hoodie at home.”

Incidentally, his favorite super hero, jazz musician, actor, skateboarder, British politician, and hbo character are also all named Tony.

 

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