Ep 1: Two Bachelorettes, 1 Sad America

Civil rights. Women’s suffrage. Universal healthcare. Two Bachelorettes. “Change is never easy”, Chris Harrison reminds us. What was the critical tipping point that ushered in a new era? When the men were asked to pick between Britt Nilsson and Kaitlyn Bristowe, they just shrugged with goofy smiles. Powerful stuff.

Flash forward to the first night at the mansion, and the men have to navigate meeting BOTH Kaitlyn and Britt. And these women couldn’t be any more different: Kaitlyn is here to do standup, but Britt is here to find someone to share live, laugh, love mantel artwork with.

The limos pull up so that Britt is in the men’s direct line of vision. Kaitlyn’s mark is somewhere off in the landscaping. Who will they greet first? Who will they like best?

Ben H, 26 The bleeding heart imperialist

Connects with Britt over sponsoring impoverished kids in the third world. His is gonna be 18 and he’s had her for 13 years…so she was a bar mitzvah gift? What happened to savings bonds?

Connects with Kaitlyn over a conversation about the significance of her bird tattoos. Kaitlyn likes the question ’cause can you believe that Chris Soules never once asked about her ink? Yes, Kaitlyn. Yes we can.

Ben Z, 26 The sad athlete

And last one out of the limos ’cause his last name starts with Z.

Ben Z’s mom died when he was 14 and he’s been masking his feelings through athletics ever since. Her last words to him may have been about not settling for just any woman, but he thinks both Kaitlyn and Britt would be a great match, so that didn’t register.

Bradley, 25 The Djokovic wannabe

Arrived wearing a sweatband and brandishing a tennis racket, made the requisite love match pun.

Brady, 33 The Chris Martin impersonator

He used to play minor league baseball but now impersonates Coldplay’s frontman full time. Brady & Britt connect over faith & spirituality.

Chris, 28 The Dentist

Arrived in a cupcake. Likes Kaitlyn’s confidence because pickup art is all about confidence.

Clint, 27 The one who drew a triceratops

Shows off his architectural skills by unveiling a pencil sketch of Chris Harrison on a dinosaur, which was a close contender for the cover art of Chris’ first novel.

Corey, 30 Corey silent e

Approaching the Bachelorette election with his finance hat, he advises that the guys will get a better ROI if they vote for the Bachelorette who likes them best, rather than their first choice girl. Good luck finding true love, everyone!

Cory, 35 Cory no e


Daniel, 28 The eurotrashy one

He danced, but not like Magic Mike. Doesn’t see the fuss about Kaitlyn v Britt: “there is no wrong choice.”

David, 26 ??

He hung out with the pro-Britt faction but didn’t say much.

Ian, 28 The Ivy League runner

Princeton grad & trackthlete (track + athlete?) Ian was hit by a car and told he’d never run again. Not only is he back on his feet, but he’s got a new lease on life. He uses his fully functioning legs to walk right up to Kaitlyn with confidence and whisper in her ear that she should be the Bachelorette.

Jared, 26 Jafar

Has a superhero alter ego “Love Man” that I hope we never have to hear about again.

JJ, 32 The irritating one

Says Britt is the prettiest girl he’s ever spoken to. He’s feeling insecure but Britt assures JJ that he’s here for a reason– the producers saw something weird/psychotic within him of which he’s blissfully ignorant.

Joe, 28 The Appalachian man

This Kentucky gent comes bearing gifts- a mason jar of moonshine, fresh from his bathtub batch #17.

Jonathan, 33 The Dad

He has an adorable 5 year old son named Scottie who he referred to as his “partner in life.” He joked about moving to Utah for a dual wedding and is the first person to make a polyg reference this season.

Josh, 27  Magic Mike

Communicated solely by exotic dancing and did not speak.

Joshua, 31 The Welder

Doesn’t think he’s been in love? He is a welder and welded Kaitlyn a rose.

Justin, 28 The Other Dad

His 4 year old son has a really weird name, so he must be this season’s Mackenzie. Inhaled helium to make his voice silly for Britt & Kaitlyn cause it was a real crowd pleaser at the last toddler birthday party he went to.

Kupah, 32 The one who wants a trophy wife

Says Britt would be more of a trophy wife, whereas Kaitlyn would just be a regular wife.

Ryan B, 32 The creepy uncle

Speaks to adult women like 6 year old children:”hi Disney princess” was his opening line, and he did a lame knock-knock joke during one-on-one time.

Ryan M, 28 Nikki Ferrell‘s ex

And the one who got “white boy wasted”(shout out to Kupah for coining my new favorite term). He was drunk & belligerent all night, said a lot of inappropriate stuff (Tony says it disrespects us all when women are referred to as the “b word and h word’) and did a lot of inappropriate stuff (got handsy with Kaitlyn).

JJ sees Britt talking to Ryan M and declares that it is a gross mismanagement of her time. He decides it’s his civic duty to confront Ryan M. Ryan M says “Why am I not raping you right now” and JJ counters “Why is rape your go to word?”  JJ, meet rape culture.

Chris Harrison tells Ryan M he’s not here for the right reasons, and he’s subsequently whisked away via sex offender delivery van.

Shawn B, 28 The Ryan Goslingy one

My mom’s coworker went to high school with Shawn B. It’s no big.

Britt has a great first impression of Shawn, but then hears him tell Kaitlyn that she’s the reason he came. Later he shows Kaitlyn a drawing of scribbles his nephew made that is supposed to be of people.

Shawn E, 31 The amateur sex coach

He drove up in a car completely filled with water, only to have the magical moment ruined by Ryan M’s drunken peanut gallery comments, which Shawn E calls “chirps”. They had a confrontation featuring Shawn E pronouncing “out” the Canadian way.

In conversation with Britt, we learn about this amateur sex coach business: Sean E has amassed a wealth of knowledge from the internet about not getting anal toys stuck in your bowels. But until he’s personally put all this info into practice, he wont actually coach anyone.

Tanner, 28 The one who should have given Britt soap

He brought Britt a packet of tissues because she cried a lot last season. Britt thinks its sweet at first, but later on realizes he was being sassy.

Overhearing that Tanner’s gift has something to do with last season, Kaitlyn calls out to Britt “was it soap?”

Tony, 35 The terrifying one

Tony is a “healer” which looks an awful lot like massage therapy.

Says something weird/heartfelt to Britt and she eats it up. But then he repeats what he just said verbatim to Kaitlyn.

In the voting room, he places his hands on both ballot boxes and his eyes roll to the back of his head. He claims that “Britt’s chest was pulsating.”




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