So the votes were “counted”, Kaitlyn is the Bachelorette, Britt left in tears, Brady resigned to go after her, and Kaitlyn eliminated some dudes. Not asking for a recount, alls im sayins is, Britt couldn’t tell the difference between who was cast as a joke (Tony) and who was cast as Bachelor material (Ben Z). She was fucking with the formula and she had to be terminated.
Now that that’s over with, everyone is settling into their roles nicely. The guys pal around the mansion, choosing bunkbed mates and toasting mimosas around the kitchen island.
The next morning Kaitlyn sits down with Chris Harrison and he reminds her that some of the guys voted for Britt. Thanks Chris, that’s super helpful.
Group Date #1
The first date card says “I see this ending with a ring” and it’s a pun. Laila Ali gives everyone a boxing lesson so viewers can see who has bird arms (Tanner, who goes to the gym to use the steam room) and who is ripped (Ben Z, the beastgiant). After jumping rope for an hour, Laila declares them ready to compete and announces that Daenerys has reopenened the fighting pits. The first round pairs birdarms against rippeds (Daniel v Ben Z; Justin v Corey; Ben H v Jared; Tanner v Kupah) and all the birdarms lose. The rippeds go at it in the semifinals (Ben Z v Corey; Jared v Kupah) and the Beastgiant & Jared face off in the final round. Ben Z says his football bros will never let him live it down if he loses, so he sends Jared to the hospital. Kaitlyn lies “i wanted this to be fun.I feel terrible I really didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” Ben Z wants Kaitlyn to know that even though Jared might not wake up tomorrow, he’s not dangerous and has “only been in one or two fights.” Ben Z gets the rose.
During Kaitlyn’s one-on-one time with Daniel, a stagehand interrupts them just as Daniel’s about to plug his company on national tv. The stagehand passes Kaitlyn a note instructing her to go downstairs. Kaitlyn sees yellow shorts and converse sneakers which sounds like Nick Viall casualwear, but it’s just Jared, whose hospital discharge papers specified that he can makeout with Kaitlyn on the ground level, but isn’t healthy enough to go upstairs.
The Master Date
The date card says “Clint– you take my breath away.” They are having a photoshoot in a pool which is all the rage for engagement pics. Clint is skeptical at first–he’s seen photos of dogs fetching tennis balls underwater and hopes the picture wont come out like that (he does kind of look like a golden retriever). But he warms up when he realizes Kaitlyn just wants to validate making out through photography. Kaitlyn gives Clint the rose for bringing out a romantic side of her.
Group Date #2
The date card says “I’m looking for a man who will stand up for me” and everyone knows it’s a comedy date because Kaitlyn likes crass knock knock jokes. They go to a comedy club where Amy Schumer informs the guys they will have to perform original material that night. Amy jokes about wanting Kaitlyn’s leftovers until she sits down with JJ, who is repulsive.
The 7 guys’ stand-up performances were edited down to ~50 seconds of footage so it must have been light on laughs. The dentist was nervous but used pickup art confidence boosting exercises to power through a solid performance. We learned that Joshua the Welder is good with his tongue, and that Tony doesn’t know what humor is.
Kaitlyn’s one-on-one time with Joe was very foreign exchange romance: Kentucky meets Ontario. They kissed and she said “eh” and he said “well i’ll be.” Joe doesn’t get the rose, but notes ominously that “a lot can happen in 24 hours.” And here I was thinking that 24 hours at the bachelor mansion was just wake up around noon, day drink by the pool, nap on a lounge chair, drink, bed, repeat.
JJ‘s 3 y.o. daughter is starting preschool and daddy’s little girl is already grown up (hear that toddlers of america? go get jobs. you’re grown). Kaitlyn is attracted to his dadness so they make out. JJ gets the rose because he fathered a child, but with instructions to “stick with the soft sensitive side– I like that side of you.” When will Kaitlyn see that he’s just an unemployed divorcee living at home with his parents?
Tony still thinks he’s dating Britt. When he talks it sounds profound yet entirely nonsensical. If you listen carefully, I’m pretty sure he’s just using iterations of lines from “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks and that reading from every wedding you’ve ever been to in casual conversation
Back at the house
The guys play pranks on Justin, or, bully someone with special needs depending how you look at it
The Cocktail Party
The fraternity holds a house meeting and decides that the 3 brothers who already have roses (JJ, Clint, Ben Z) will lay back tonight. But then JJ the Sleaze steals Kaitlyn first anyway.
Kupah is feeling overlooked and doesn’t want to stay just to fill a racial quota. He approaches Kaitlyn to ask if she feels a connection. Kaitlyn says “if I’m being honest, I thought you didn’t notice me” and Kupah is thinking ??you are the bachelorette and the ONLY woman on a dating show?? But Kaitlyn wants Kupah to approach her because gender norms. Kupah thinks he has to wait to be spoken to because uppity white lady. Sure enough, later Kaitlyn decides he’s talking out of turn and asks him to leave. He’s utterly flailing by this point, and word vomits all over the place with gems like “but you’re hot.” Hurt/rejected/frustrated and exhibiting human behavior to reflect those emotions during his exit interview, he speaks at a volume above whisper and we are supposed to think he’s acting inappropriately (for inappropriate behavior, see Ryan M week 1). Kaitlyn rushes out to put Kupah in his place while the onset writers plan a master date with Jonathan so she doesn’t look racist.