The Bachelorette- Week 3

Kaitlyn tells the guys she cut Kupah and that the takeaway is for them to “be open and vocal if you’re ever in a situation you aren’t OK with”–you know, encouraging them to do exactly what led to Kupah’s demise. Wait, what?

The Rose Ceremony

Cory-no-e actually hadn’t spoken until the moments before his elimination- but in those moments we learn he’s a dad and maybe someone worth getting to know. Kaitlyn thinks Cory-no-e is “genuine with a really big heart. I’m attracted to him but the producers something is telling me he needs to be with his daughter.” So basically, Kaitlyn is forced to eliminate a guy she likes so that Tony (who would rather be with his bonsai trees rn) can be the feature freakshow for one more episode.

Group Date #1

2 gong beating sumo wrestlers wake up the guys and no one looks even remotely amused, except JJ who likes Japanese culture Denver-grade sushi and asian women. Chris Harrison instructs Chris, Tony, Shawn, JJ, Joe, and Clint to put on the mawashi  out of cultural respect, but everyone calls it a diaper after that, which isnt respectful at all. The mawashi makes country boy Joe uneasy because it looks like a garden hose/rattle snake. They all head outside for a sumo lesson while Kaitlyn and the other guys gather round to point & laugh at the bare butts & loose bits. Ben Z is glad not to participate, but he obvi would have pwned.

Everyone has a shot at taking down a sumo wrestler and is subsequently tossed around like a weightless rag doll. Tony is humiliated and lashes out at Kaitlyn for putting them through aggressive activities (all the while insisting he has the heart of a warrior?) rather than going boating or sky diving or seeing who can make the best elephant noise. Tony complains to anyone in the house willing to gawk at his self destruction while the sumo trainees have a round-robin sumo competition in front of a crowd. Without the 600 lb world champs in his way, Clint truly shines irritates everyone by being real showy about his college wrestling background. Bags packed, Tony shows up to bid Kaitlyn farewell because he can’t participate in this circus anymore–but if she’s interested he can easily be found on myspace.

The Master Date

Chris Harrison sends Kaitlyn and Ben Z on a date that I can only describe as part haunted house/ part puzzle/ part PETA field day/ part unfortunate use of a gas chamber reference. They have to werk 2gether to figure out the password to escape. There is an actor making minimum wage to writhe on the bed under a sheet, and Ben Z’s eyes light up at the thought of punching him in the face. They open drawers to find scorpions and cockroaches. Kaitlyn’s biggest fear is birds so Ben has to coax her past a few pigeons. She would rather be in a pit of snakes than be near a bird. But careful what you wish for– next there is a disgusting scene involving giant snakes slithering around a fecal smeared toilet that Ben has to reach his hand into but I don’t even know why because I passed out. When I came to they were safe (the password was “roses” which they could have guessed way faster than it took them to solve the puzzle) but Ben was stroking Kaitlyn’s head with both hands and I didn’t know if he washed them so I passed out again. When did the Bachelorette become Saw III?

Back at Kaitlyn’s house they order the safest pizza choice (pepperoni) to recover from their scary date. They have a H to H and Ben opens up about not being able to open up– he hasn’t cried in 11 years, but not for lack of trying or cause he thinks men shouldn’t cry. Maybe it’s a tear duct issue?

Group Date #2

The date card says “Let’s learn to love.” Kaitlyn invites Joshua, Jared, Jonathan, Ben H, and Ryan to an elementary school so everyone puts on khaki shorts and boards a yellow bus. Kaitlyn says they are substitute teaching but when the guys read the lesson plans they quickly realize the class is sex ed. Kaitlyn informs viewers it’s only a prank, but to the guys she never reveals that the students littering the lectures with questions like “what’s an otter?” are actually child actors. Meaning that up until the episode aired Monday night, the guys were either falsely self satisfied with reaching the kids, or, having recurring nightmares of what transpired. Actors or not, shit got raunchy so these 9 year olds will forever remember Mrs. Korman’s class as the day of innocence lost. Thanks, stage parents.

Ryan’s topic is female anatomy so he says “vagina” a lot and teaches the kids about the lady in the boat. Jonathan fields a question about the four bases and really waters it down. Joshua’s lesson is female puberty. Qualifications? “I dont even know how my puberty works.” He learned everything he knows from watching the cows go at it and didn’t speak to a girl until college. A cross section of the female reproductive organs gets censored when he gestures inserting a tampon into it.  Ben H teaches reproduction the same way his church youth group leader taught him. He stops just short of pulling out a miniature plastic baby to pass around. Afterwards Kaitlyn tells Ben H that he really stood out. Ben H dip kisses imaginary baptises her and gets the rose.

JJ & Clint

Clint & JJ have reached the sweet spot of a budding friendship and are mutually popping backne in the shower. Trouble is, they’re both egomaniac dicks and everyone hates them.  Kaitlyn’s heard murmurings of tension in the house, so Josh sits down with her to name names. JJ & Clint seemed like normal guys at first but something switched when they got roses, and they’ve refused to wear shirts in each other’s company ever since. Kaitlyn nodds knowingly at this intel.

Clint is already on thin ice with Kaitlyn since he didn’t make any effort to talk to her during Group Date #1, despite JJ’s insistence that sugaring up Kaitlyn is necessary for their brolationship to survive. Clint knows Kaitlyn is not the right girl for him but wants to stick around anyway to guitar serenade his new bffaeae. Time for a hail mary: he approaches Kaitlyn immediately at the cocktail party, careful to look in her eyes and speak from the heart while imagining she’s JJ.

What happens to Clint? More importantly, will special guest Ralph Macchio teach the guys karate next week?

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