The Bachelorette- Week 4

13/15 guys have told Kaitlyn that Clint is one of the biggest douches in bachelor history, which is a huge red flag since 13/15 guys actually watch the show. Kaitlyn pulls Clint aside for a word and he defends his relationship with JJ: “me and him are best best best friends and have grown very very very close” and she’s like, that’s nice but why are you talking about JJ right now?

Clint is sinking faster than the Titanic, and JJ is outta there faster than Rose’s betrothed can hop on a lifeboat reserved for women & children only. When Kaitlyn announces her decision to send Clint home,  JJ says “I think you owe us an apology” and everyone assumes the comment is directed at Kaitlyn. But no–he’s turned on his friendlover Clint to solidify his place in the competition. After a very very very tense & homoerotic goodbye, JJ steps outside to sob in private. He orders himself to man up like his father used to and slaps himself in the face. “I’m not looking for boyfriends, no– I’m looking for a girlfriend” he repeats as if in conversion therapy.

Kaitlyn cancels the rose ceremony, because what’s the point of pomp & circumstance when she’ll just cut a dude whenever she feels like it? Chris Harrison tells the guys to pack their bags for New York and say goodbye to the mansion forever, that is–everyone except Ben Z. He’ll be back.

Group Date #1

The date card clue is “Let’s keep our love fresh” and to everyone’s disappointment they aren’t getting their colons cleansed at an NYC spa.

Instead, person-you’ll-feel-sad-to-learn-is-a-scientologist/ OG rapper Doug E. Fresh is MCing a rap battle tonight.  The guys will have to duke it out in front of a live audience, which in this case means make insults that kind of rhyme.

Ben Z says Tanner could never be fit like dis even with steroids. Tanner insinuates Ben Z has shrinkage from steroids. Jonathan rhymes bored-a-ya with Florida. Ryan references a TLC reality program. Corey tucks his shirt in his underwear. JJ offends the crowd. Shawn flashes his abs and drops the mic. Justin compares himself to Matt Damon, but I’d say he’s a dead ringer for Spinner on Season 4 of Degrassi: the Next Generation, during the character’s lowest point in the entire series.

The return of Nick Viall

What are Nick & Kardashley  doing creeping in the back of the venue watching guys they dont know try to impress Kaitlyn?

Turns out Nick and Kaitlyn sort of know each other–he reached out to Kaitlyn after watching her season to initiate sexts. Meeting in person for the first time, they’ve got the shit-eating-grins of people who’ve seen each others goods through photo filters. Nick makes a case for why Kaitlyn should invite him on: being on the Bachelorette was both “extraordinary and also not that much fun” so clearly he’s ready for another go. Plus, it would just bug him if he didn’t cause everything to come to a screeching halt by appearing midway through the season. And so, whether by endless footage of him skulking around the city streets, helicoptering his mouth over Kaitlyn’s face, coming up in every conversation, hell, he even gets a dramatic voice-over, from this point forward the episode is hijacked by Andi’s sloppy seconds.

Later, at the worst after party in the history of rap music (and not just because Corey wore pink chinos) Kaitlyn breaks the news that Nick might join the season. Shawn downs his drink and waves the empty glass at the camera. Everyone is pissed except for Justin, who applies his pushover-parenting method to gain Kaitlyn’s affection and it works!  She rewards him with the rose for enabling her bad decisions, plus he did his hair like Shawn’s. Tanner says it’s the least meaningful rose in bachelor history.

The return of Ashley S

Hold the phone– Ashley S is gainfully employed at an Aveda salon in NYC? Sometimes you just need to chat with your stylist about lady troubles, and Ashley S is here to save the day with her false sense of wisdom. Kaitlyn explains the situation with Nick. “Nick Valal?” Ashley pronounces Nick’s surname like someone just taught her about Halal food carts. She warns Kaitlyn that it sounds like lust, which wasn’t at all what Kaitlyn wanted to hear. I too could use someone to talk to a prescription cocktail and know where I’m getting my next haircut.

Master Date

The guys back at the house cant help but mull over the possibility that Kaitlyn’s husband isnt in this room. Just as Ben H is about to turn to the bible passage most relevant to overcoming their predicament, the master date card arrives for Jared: “Let’s reimagine the night we first met.” The Metropolitan Museum of Art is shut down exclusively for Kaitlyn & Co, where Jared defiles the sacred cultural space by speed reading a rudimentary poem. Then they take a helicopter ride over the Statue of Liberty and all Kaitlyn can do is think about Nick. Truly a travesty for the great city of New York.

Group Date #2

The date card says “Let’s play.” They’ve boxed, they’ve sumod, but now it’s time for the harshest competition of all: Broadway. Think A Chorus Line meets the Bachelor: the guys must dance, sing, and act their way to win the coveted prize of escorting Kaitlyn on and off stage during Disney’s Aladdin. Joe doesn’t even know what theatre is, since there aren’t any in Kentucky. “They do this every day and people come watch this?” he marvels. He does jazz hands and almost trashes the set. Chris tries sooo hard and gives a downright cheesy performance. Josh says guys get beat up for carrying on like that where he comes from. Ben H doesn’t stand out at all since he can’t tie in the gospel. Ian is a true renaissance man and honed his singing chops as a tenor in Princeton’s track team a capella group, The Footnotes. But most talented and most semitic looking Ian is passed over for Chris, whose feedback from the judges included “he has no idea what he’s doing.”  Ian sticks around in case he’s called in to understudy. Chris gets a face-to-toe spray tan while the rest of the guys head back to the hotel, described by Josh as “anger, loneliness, and dudes.” Truth bomb.

Kaitlyn goes through the motions with Chris to imagine a secure future with a yes-man who loves her a lot more than she loves him back.

Back at the house

The guys are reeling after the news that Nick is officially moving in tonight. The only one silent on the issue is JJ, quietly hoping for a replacement Clint someone, just anyone to make eye contact with him.

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