Bachelorette, week 5

After wheeling his suitcase around the block a few times, Nick can delay fate no longer. There’s an empty cot in JJ’s room with his name on it. He strolls into the hotel suite hoping to keep it casual, but is in for a rude awakening: These dozen or so adult men have to share a 300 sq ft common space (nothing like Manhattan real estate).  Seating is understandably limited, and even more so now that Nick cootied up an entire couch. The guys formed a United Front of Will Not Sit Next To Nick. JJ got up at one point and the guys started chanting Scab Scab Scab!

The guys grill Nick about everything from catching up with Andi over jazz brunch to his choice of words calling Kaitlyn “a pretty cool chick” (Josh got real worked up that he didn’t call her an “amazing”). Doing most of the thinking and articulation here is Tanner, who emerges as the Dick Cheney to Ben Z’s George W. Who knew Tanner had been squandering away his potential as an Auto Finance Manager?

I’m going to rewatch this scene for inspiration before my next group interview. If Nick can field tough questions like these, then I can tell a room full of strangers about a time that I overcame an obstacle in the workplace.

Cocktail Party #1

The cocktail party is at the Mets ballpark, Citifield. It’s kind of a funny story: Jared’s date card last week–“let’s imagine the first night we Met”–was supposed to be a meet & greet with some Mets players and private lesson at Citifield. But the team backed out last minute so Kaitlyn and Jared had to pretend look at art.

Should-have-been-in-the-CIA Tanner debriefs Kaitlyn on Nick’s interrogation.

Shawn and some others refuse to even utter Nick’s name, simply referring to him as “The Other Guy” and bestowing him with some Voldemort level infamy.

With Nick taking all the heat from the guys, JJ’s finally back to his old smarmy self. Pep in his step, he gallops Kaitlyn around the field and wheeze laughs to Shawn “you’re the most attractive guy here, but when your jaw is clenched, it’s not a good look.” Umm has JJ seen his own jaw situation? Shawn’s clenched jaw > JJ’s face in any scenario.

The Rose Ceremony

The guys’ faces are pure agony during this rose ceremony, but only because they’re outdoors in NYC in March, which, newsflash world–is the pits of winter. Everyone is freezing so Kaitlyn doles out roses in rapid succession for once, but then they have to walk 20 yards from home base to the pitcher’s mound. Still, the lightning speed with which Kaitlyn fires off names is somehow more suspenseful than dragging it out. Like, whoa there, little missy. Shouldnt you think this through some more? Or do want lawmakers to mandate a 24-hour waiting period between roses? Look in the eyes of these bachelors and TELL ME that’s not human life.

After aborting her future with Jonathan, Ryan, and Corey, Kaitlyn has a sit-down with producers.  Yea about that lavish date you planned for me in Rejkavic? Eff that, I’m the Bachelorette and I want to be toasty goddamnit. She doesn’t even care where they go next as long as she can wear a tank top there. So an intern books everyone on a discount flight from Laguardia to San Antonio, Austin’s ugly step sister.

Master Date #1

Kaitlyn & Ben H head over to Texas’ oldest dance hall for a 2-step lesson. They’ll have to compete alongside seasoned honky tonkers in a dance-off. Playing the country music is a live band lead by a silver haired vocalist, and boy has Wes from Jillian’s season aged. Kaitlyn & Ben H barely last through two songs before getting tapped out of the competition, but Ben appreciates that Kaitlyn chose him for this date. It really shows how well she gets him – that she took him to a whites-only establishment.

The Group Date

Kaitlyn says the art of mariachi involves comedy, but I totally researched it and the mariachi wikipedia page has zero hits for ctrl f “humor.” So really she just thinks appropriating other cultures and having the guys sing dirty lyrics in fake Mexican accents is funny LOLZ. Scene stealing the group date is 13 year old budding casanova Sebastian De La Cruz. Sebastian assumes the alpha male role and throws Ben Z for a loop. They didn’t even show Ben Z’s mariachi performance, protecting the future Bachelor’s image at all cost.

Afterwards, Nick tries and fails to explain the concept of settling to Josh. I guess I’m glad that when a women inevitably does settle for Josh, he’ll be none the wiser.

Josh tries and fails to convince Kaitlyn that Nick is no good. He can’t really explain why though, she should just trust his “guy intuition.” That’s a thing, right?

Nick gets the group date rose.

Master Date #2

Kaitlyn takes Shawn to do something no one gets or wants to do: kayak in a man-made stream around an outdoor shopping mall while pedestrians look at them funny.

During the bathing suit portion of the date, Shawn sticks up for Josh and says he thinks Josh’s unadulterated hatred of Nick is coming from a good place. Kaitlyn doesn’t mind when Shawn complains about The Other Guy. The trick is Shawn uses as few words as possible and then stares off into the distance all tortured soul-like. The hot gravelly voice doesn’t hurt either–last week Josh mentioned hating the sound of his own voice, and this week I understood because we had to listen to him talk a lot.

Shawn finally opens up about his past and settles the age old debate of which Ryan Gosling character he would be. He survived a gnarly car accident and even flipped mid air, so it’s gotta be Drive. He’s only alive today because of divine intervention/he buckled up. High schools can now hold viewings of this episode of The Bachelorette in the auditorium as a more effective seat-belt safety program.

Cocktail Party #2

Ian’s no dumby. He’s clearly not making it to hometowns and has zero shot at being the next Bachelor. He wants out, but not before slut-shaming Kaitlyn for giving guys attention that weren’t him. Ian informs her that she’s made a huge mistake by not throwing herself at him. After all, he’s a handsome ivy leaguer with an inspirational story to boot.

Ian, Ian, Ian. If you’re really the Princeton-educated catch that you claim, then shouldn’t you know the scene from A Beautiful Mind in which Princeton nerds figure out a mathematical equation for dating?  It goes something like this: turns out a bunch of guys fighting over one girl is a really bad idea.

Even more troubling, what do Princeton grads have against a good fart joke?


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