The Bachelorette – Week 6

So I guess Ian is not the guy that Kaitlyn sleeps with.

Ian is leaving the show because Kaitlyn is shallow and he is deep, as evidenced by his compulsion to name drop his baby ivy boarding school. Plus he’s had it up to here with the guys talking about their bathroom use patterns. Kaitlyn dodged a bullet, and not only because Ian prefers his women sad and hates laughter. Any guy unwilling to talk about BMs in depth is clearly not ready for a serious relationship.

But something smells funny and it’s not just the scent of cologne covering farts. Nick is masterminding this ish. On Andi’s season he was along for the ride, but this season he is a man with a plan.  Andi reprimanded him for being “too serious” so his strategy with Kaitlyn is to keep it gay  keep it light. He knew exactly what  Ian would say fed Ian lines through an earpiece and then rushed to Kaitlyn’s rescue with the antidote. If Nick says that Kaitlyn brings out his goofy side one more time I’m going to strangle him with his square tie.

Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn has already decided her top 4 and no longer risks sending home her soulmate in error. That being said, she’s still torn over who to let go. At this stage making cuts is not so much about “Who am I least likely to marry” as it is “Who am I most likely to file a restraining order against?”/”Who would be more terrifying as a stalker?”/ “Is there any benefit to knowing a welder?/” What is welding?” and so on.

Josh is nervous because he didn’t get time with Kaitlyn and “2 days ago was a train wreck.” Josh, it’s still a train wreck. It’s been how many days and he still hasn’t fixed his botched mohawk? Producers don’t want Josh to shave his hair off ever, so they tell him the group is going to Europe next and you can’t be a skinhead there, sorry but our hands are tied. And so, Josh has one of the least dignified exits of all time.

Justin is sent home, too. Looks like that group date rose was meaningless after all.

Chris Harrison announces their next destination is Ireland while the camera hovers over Josh’s sad face. Really makes you think about all the eliminated contestants who did all the paperwork and got passports only to end up hanging out in San Antonio. At least we have Joe. One week he’s learning that theatre is a thing that exists, and another week he’s outside the states for the first time and hosting salon chats in the hotel suite.

The Master Date

Eliminating the date card middle-man, Kaitlyn shows up to the guys’ suite and breaks the news herself that Nick is getting the coveted Dublin 1-On-1. Shawn takes it the worst and enters his Blue (Valentine) Period. He’s trying to be Irish in Ireland right now but Nick is ruining it.

Nick is happy to explore a cool place with a cool chick. He learns about Kaitlyn’s fear of birds as she makes a bizarre scene cowering from pigeons in a park. I can’t even judge because I’m the same way about mattresses. Hitchcock may be on Kaitlyn’s side, but NYC Department of Health is on mine.

They go to a beloved local pub and put on a truly nauseating public display of public affection (there is lip biting involved) amidst a sea of retirees just trying to enjoy an afternoon pint. They suck face right near the entrance too, scaring off potential patrons. Next they go to a cathedral and don’t modify their behavior at all. Nothing like senior citizens and Catholicism to spice up your sex life.

Kaitlyn invites Nick back to her room. They shut the door but curiously don’t take off their mics. When it’s over, the adult film director hired to shoot the audio-only porno scene tells Kaitlyn & Nick to give him a call when they’re ready for the big leagues.

The next morning Nick is simply beaming but Kaitlyn feels guilty about their on-mic/off-camera time. She’s more than a bit worried that Mr. “why did you make love to me if you weren’t in love with me” wont keep his mouth shut. As Nick describes his date to the guys, we too anxiously anticipate how this is gonna play out. Nick keeps nervously repeating that he sat on the couch, which they have to know is a Freudian placeholder.

Bracing myself for the mob of angry villagers and all the apologizing she’s gonna do for this one. Extra cringes if I imagine Chris Harrison saying anything on the matter.

The Group Date

Kaitlyn is lying in an open casket and oh my god who came up with this? Like, is doing this alive even a thing? Cultural immersion is one thing, but a little context wouldn’t hurt.  An Irish Wake is for when Irish people die, not for when Canadian Bachelorettes want to be showered with complements.

And whose brilliant idea was it to bring Ben Z on this date? The poor guy is having flashbacks of the last time he saw his mother. It’s getting pretty obvious that they don’t want Kaitlyn and Ben Z to actually hit it off. No, they’ve got bigger things in store for the next Bachelor.

The guys each say some words about Kaitlyn. Some of them rhyme the words but not everyone. Chris does a riff on “Danny Boy”. Shawn makes an ill-thought out suicide joke. Kaitlyn keeps laughing and doesn’t play dead well at all. Tanner makes one more mental check-mark in “cons”.

After party

Shawn brings out the old projector from the attic and makes Kaitlyn look at photos from his last family vacation, then is shocked when Jared gets the group date rose. Everyone is bummed, so Chris tries to lift spirits with some pick-up art confidence building rhetoric: “it’s not a ‘no’ to us so much as a ‘yes’ to Jared.” When that doesn’t work, he reprises “Danny Boy” to suit the somber mood.

Shawn is going off the deep end after Lord knows how many glasses of Guinness. The words spill out before the thoughts are formulated. He claims Kaitlyn spent a night with him too and she already told him he won (where was the pervy camera crew for their behind-closed-doors jaunt?) He can’t handle her in the fantasy suite banging two other dudes. He loves that girl. His parents had a terrible divorce. Etc etc.

The Cranberries perform a private concert for Kaitlyn and Jared. Dolores O’Riordan sang Linger and it was beautiful and perfect but also sad because my favorite band in highschool was just on The Bachelorette.

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