The Bachelorette – Week 7

What I wanted Kaitlyn to be like after getting down with Nick:

What she actually was like:

And with that, we pick up right where we left off–unfortunately/thankfully still in Ireland, depending on whether you burn in the sun.

Shawn 

Shawn noticed the other guys are still in the picture and that he hasn’t been offered the final rose yet. He decides to confront Kaitlyn about it in her hotel room not once but TWICE in this episode.

There’s no real difference between the two encounters: Each time Shawn passes Kaitlyn a note asking “r u in ❤ with me?” with a Yes/No checkbox. Kaitlyn draws her own “I’m falling in ❤ with u” check box  and passes it back.  Each time Shawn is like IDK IF I CAN DO THIS and Kaitlyn frets that her sexy time with Nick is causing Shawn’s restraining order-inspired behavior.

But after Visit #1, the sixth grade teacher handed back the essay and told Shawn to “use an example.” So for Visit #2 Shawn brings up their off-camera time in San Antonio in which Kaitlyn allegedly told him he already won. She was drunk meant well, but that reassurance is making it awfully hard for Shawn to see her carrying on dating 8 other guys.

Kaitlyn is relieved he’s in the dark about Nick, but keenly aware that Shawn will self implode should he ever find out.

A chill goes up Shawn’s spine every time he walks by the open door to Kaitlyn’s bedroom. “Something bad happened here” he senses, but quickly puts the thought in the back of his mind.

Sick of Shawn hassling her in the middle of the night, Kaitlyn puts a moratorium on staying in the same hotel as the guys. Cue the frantic intern booking discount room blocks on expedia.

The 2-on-1 Date

Joe v JJ: battle of the d-list J names.

Kaitlyn thinks Joe is a real treat, she just hasn’t cared enough to spend any time with him yet. Not only is Joe is in touch with his feelings and falling in love with Kaitlyn, but he’s able to articulate that to her while holding eye contact. Well done, Joe.

JJ’s not thinking about Joe because, much like the beloved pop-punk 90s hit, JJ is his own worst enemy. But its not because he’s a self-depricating youth in need of a confidence boost — it’s because our resident divorcee/father of a 3 year old actually cheated on his wife 3 years ago (interesting math). Kaitlyn is bewildered JJ chose to tell her all this while the cameras were rolling. JJ thinks he got the best response possible since no one spat in his face or slapped him. But if he’s really honest with himself, it felt more meaningful that time he told Clint.

Kaitlyn says JJ needs to be with his daughter every other weekend and Christmas Eve, so she sends him home.

Joe returns to the hotel with a rose pinned to his jacket, a big ole grin on his face, and his own 1-on-1 couch time to brag about.

Back at the Hotel

Tanner and Nick avail themselves of their McMansion’s lush grounds by taking Downton Abbey style strolls in the gardens. But in a Homeland-like turn of events, Nick has “turned” Tanner: where once Tanner provided Kaitlyn with updates on Nick, Tanner is now briefing Nick with intelligence on Shawn. “He dislikes you” Tanner discloses while looking over his shoulder. “He even has a name for you: ‘The Other Guy.'”

Cocktail Party

Ben H elaborates on that night in San Antonio. Turns out he was there for part of it, until he had to relieve himself in the shower. But when he came back he could tell that Kaitlyn had “validated” Shawn.

It only takes a 5-minute shower to validate yourself or someone else.

Kaitlyn has a sitdown with Nick to make sure he’s not planning on pulling a Men Tell All from last season. In fact, she’d prefer he not talk about their dates with the other guys period. Nick looks her in the eyes and says, ” I don’t think you quite understand what you’re asking me to do. Listening to my date stories– that’s their lifeblood. You take that away, and…” he trails off. “It’s not a responsibility I asked for, but I cant turn my back on them now” he says holding back tears.

The Rose Ceremony

Ben Z and Tanner do not get roses, meaning the Bush/Cheney administration has come to an end. Ben Z  assumes there was a misunderstanding because Cupcake and Joe are still in the competition and Tanner said America might question his right to be the next Bachelor if he doesn’t make it to hometowns. Ben Z makes one final attempt to appeal to the producers by saying with a straight face that his mom would have loved for him to end up with such a cool chick & amazing woman. He walks away from his exit interview knowing it’s in God’s hands now.

The Road Trip

The guys are lining up to board the next Paddywagon to Killarney, when Kaitlyn steps in and whisks Jared away for an impromptu road trip —  like the guy equivalent of Pretty Woman. She teaches him how to drive stick shift and they marvel at the beautiful Irish countryside and kiss an ancient stone that turns you more like JJ.

The Game Changer

Kaitlyn had sex with one guy so they cant in good conscious bring her around people’s grandmothers knowing that she slored around. Chris Harrison says now she has to have sex with all the guys before anyone’s family gets involved. Meaning, for the first time in Bachelor history, home town dates will be postponed til after the fantasy suite dates. Kaitlyn comforts herself after this underhanded slut-shaming with the fact that yea, she wouldn’t normally meet a dude’s nanna without having a  proper bang first.

Master Date

So have you heard about this new “edging” thing? All the kids are doing it. It’s when you bring someone up to a cliff, give them a good reason to have an existential crisis, and see what happens.

In Kaitlyn’s case, breaking up with Chris on the Cliffs of Moher made him say “I really wish you could be in my life, but now you cant be in anyone’s.” Oh sorry, for a second I had Chris confused with Elliot Rogers.

 

 

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