The Bachelorette – Week 8

Master Date

Kaitlyn says it’s scary to start asking “is this person my husband?” and it’s like wtf were you doing before?

She and Ben H take a rowboat out to Innisfallen Island. The ruins make Ben think of Vikings, but they’re actually from early Christian Monks…so embarrassing. Sorry Ben H, but that’ll be an automatic disqualification from ever giving a Ted Talk. So you can stop practicing every time you speak now.

Kaitlyn had been down in the dumps after saying bye to Chris, and Ben H is the first guy to lift her spirits by making the following facial expression for the entirety of the date:

Ben H has seen himself making this face and rightly fears he may be dead inside unlovable, but nevertheless looks forward to talking all night in the fantasy suite. Kaitlyn reads that as virginal, and Ben H is glad he comes off all innocent and pure, cause his internet search history is disgusting.

Group Date

The date card (“let’s let our love run a-muck”) sounds like fun–Jared certainly has a  lot to say about it and he’s not even on the group date. But they just sit on various benches in Killarney National Park and take turns having heart to hearts with Kaitlyn. I guess I see the value-add of the Culturally Insensitive Group Date Activity.

Shawn is ready to return to how things used to be after taking a step back and not bothering Kaitlyn in her hotel room for a week. Meanwhile Kaitlyn still has to drop the Nick bomb and is cringing at Shawn like she’s watching a horror show and knows what’s gonna jump out from behind that door.  “I hate when people don’t see things coming!” Don’t open that door, Shawn.

Nick tells Kaitlyn he doesn’t see her as The Bachelorette. She could be any old broad walking down the street for all he cares. Kaitlyn swoons.

Joe is determined to up the ante during his one-on-one time.  Last week he was simply falling in love with Kaitlyn, but this week he is in love with Kaitlyn period the end. When Joe professes his love to Kaitlyn she’s like are you sure about that because I can count the number of times we’ve talked on one hand? Joe is like

Kaitlyn is “flattered” (the euphemism women use for weirded out/uncomfortable/possibly frightened due to a man), but she doesn’t reciprocate those feels. Then Joe get’s angry. And confused. He wants to know what’s he supposed to do now– he’s only just beginning to discover himself on this European journey. Is she seriously shipping him back to Pennsyltucky? Kaitlyn’s like,

So long, Joe

Kaitlyn announces she sent Joe home and wont be handing out a group date rose. She’s keeping both Nick and Shawn long term so there’s no point upsetting either one of them. But she does invite Shawn to spend more time with her because she wants to come clean about that time she banged Nick. And time is running out to tell him in front of a full crew– on-set security included. Shawn is giggling with excitement that he beat out The Other Guy for extra one-on-one. No seriously Shawn, don’t look behind that door!

Finally, Kaitlyn forces herself to utter the words:  “Me…Nick…Sex.” Shawn can’t even look at her. He goes to the bathroom and has a hypochondriac freak-out over contracting one of Nick’s STIs. After being cleared by the medic, he returns to his conversation with Kaitlyn. “I cant figure out why you’re telling me this” he says as Kaitlyn makes eye contact with the body guard.

Back at the hotel, Shawn shakes hands with all the remaining guys including Nick because sportsmanship.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison cancels the cocktail party because Kaitlyn’s mind is already made. No one has a rose yet so all 4 guys are a wreck during their horse drawn carriage ride to Kaitlyn’s hotel. The driver was even wearing a top hat so for a second I perked up thinking I’d accidentally changed the channel and discovered a new series on BBC Masterpiece Theater.

Kaitlyn offers Shawn the first rose, but he insists they talk before he can accept. After mulling over Kaitlyn’s sex with Nick, Shawn “wants to want the rose” but doesn’t understand why she had to bang Nick, and not–say–Chris. She keeps repeating “explore other relationships.”

Jared, last J name standing, does not get a rose but still offers Kaitlyn his jacket outside because he’s a gentleman through the good times and the bad. That’s just how Jared rolls. And that’s no small thing in the aftermath of Joe’s departure, who told Kaitlyn if he should ever see her on the side of the road starving and without shelter, he’d keep walking.

Best for Jared to stay out of the lime light for a while, anyway. Wrong Jared, my bad.

Fantasy Suite Date #1

Nick and Kaitlyn hang out in Cork and does anyone really still want to be in Ireland? They go to yet another cathedral but at least they don’t make out in this one. Instead they embrace the spiritual environment and light candles. Nick has a godless present but a religious background and gets nostalgic about his Catholic upbringing. His parents met at church after a possessed child whispered in his dad’s ear that they were to marry. Sounds like the prequel to Rosemary’s Baby. Romantic!

Afterwards, for some godforsaken reason he decides to say the phrase “private parts” and  I expected Kaitlyn to send him home right then and there.

Kaitlyn takes Nick to an old Irish prison and tricks him into thinking a windowless 6 by 8 jail cell is the fantasy suite. Nick was just trying to be on board with whatever she’s into, even if that’s BDSM.

Nick sets out to defame Shawn’s character: Shawn apparently likes to brag about being eskimo brothers, but Kaitlyn just takes this as a hopeful sign that Shawn will consider being eskimo brothers with Nick.

In the morning, a celtic flute churns out a few bars of My Heart Will Go On as Kaitlyn & Nick bathe in the sun/post-coital glow. But if she’s Rose and he’s Jack, this can’t end well.

Nick makes sure to specify that this was the best date he’s ever been on. Ever. Sorry Andi!

The Confrontation

Shawn calls up the manager of the dystopian Irish housing development and asks for Nick “Vile’s” room number. Shawn has been bottling up his utter contempt for Nick far too long and he about to blow a gasket.


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