The Bachelorette — Week 9

Shawn and Nick’s confrontation is pretty lackluster for reality tv, but it’s essentially a watered down version of this:

Overnight Date: Ben H

Kaitlyn & Ben H wear cable knit sweaters and ride horses and wreak havoc on an animal petting zoo. Kaitlyn says both she and the horses were calmed by Ben H’s presence.  Perhaps his trans-species whispering abilities are why she’s kept him around so long– someone’s had to stop Shawn and Nick from stabbing each other this whole time and lord knows it wasn’t Kaitlyn.

Ben H in the middle keeping things copasetic

Kaitlyn and Ben H make-out their fair share on this date, but you can tell she isn’t completely losing herself because she keeps one hand on her glass of chardonnay at all times. With that, Ben H fails the litmus test to gauge whether Kaitlyn is more into you than her wine.

Next they have a picnic on the lawns of the Lough Cutra Castle, which may share the same architect as Buckingham Palace, but wasn’t even on the short-list for John Nash’s greatest hits. Ben H is somehow shocked they’ll be eating dinner at the castle, so he has to cancel the 8 o’clock reservations he made at the Hard Rock Cafe.

Ben H tells Kaitlyn that he turned 26 somewhere between voting for Britt to be The Bachelorette and right now. The thing about a birthday is you’ve got about a week tops to bring it up unless you’re 8 years old and your grandparents are involved. But thankfully Ben’s not looking for a happy belated, he just wants to find out if Kaitlyn’s eggs are still good broach the topic of their age difference.

Overnight Date: Shawn

Kaitlyn and Shawn go golfing, but there’s a twist: Shawn’s outfit is a flamboyant pink polo with a cerulean blue pair of dockers. Thank god for Shawn’s eclectic sock drawer–there isn’t a single wardrobe challenge this guy can’t meet.

Kaitlyn decides to spice things up with a game of Truth or Dare. Shawn picks dare because “who picks truth anyways?”  Those of us who want to share our internal worlds, Shawn. That’s who. And people with small dicks. Can’t forget them.

Kaitlyn dares Shawn to streak  all the way from the 18th hole to the revolving windmill and–well, this is unexpected: while Shawn’s disrobing, we learn that he puts on performance fitness capris under every pair of pants because instant shapewear for men. Shawn’s undergarment of choice is somehow more embarrassing than frolicking around in the nude. He cant un-suction those man leggings fast enough.

Later that night, Shawn says he doesn’t understand Nick’s reason for coming on this season, which is probably the wrong thing to say when Kaitlyn is the reason? Shawn criticizes  Nick for “still acting like a 16 year old girl.” Seems kinda hypocritical seeing as Shawn’s the one who just finished a game of Truth or Dare.

The next morning, while leaving the fantasy suite in notably more baggy athletic apparel, Shawn runs into his arch-nemesis casually leaning against the side of a building. Nick was blindsided by confrontation #1 and wants to talk Man to Man. But Shawn doesn’t want to hear anything Nick has to say.  All Nick can do is hope that Kaitlyn is as smart as he thinks she is, which is roughly an 8th grade reading level.

Rose Ceremony

Last season, this was the week that Chris Soules sent Kaitlyn home so she’s feeling extra feels.  Not only was the rejection right on the heels of her fantasy suite date, but she was dressed up like a pink power ranger geisha during the rose ceremony. Kaitlyn really wants to pay that special humiliation forward and have the remaining guys wear kilts during the elimination, but it’s a no go.

Someone will pay for this

Kaitlyn excuses herself during the rose ceremony to have a forced heart to heart with Chris Harrison, an activity with a fun factor ranking somewhere between going to the dentist and interviewing for a job.

Ben H is eliminated and displays the emotional range of a toothpick.

Kaitlyn runs off, leaving Shawn and Nick to finish their champagne and play the mirror game.

Hometown Dates Random hotel in Utah dates

Years of The Bachelor had me convinced that the recipe for True Love includes going to your significant other’s middle-of-nowhere town and seeing their childhood bedroom.

But location scouts visiting Shawn’s hometown of Windsor Locks, CT reported back that it’s a shit hole no matter what the camera angle and lighting. I can personally vouch for this as a native of the Nutmeg state.

Producers persuade Kaitlyn that home is where the heart is, after all, so why not meet the families at, say, a hotel in Utah within driving distance of Nick’s XXL family? They’ll invest the savings from Viall family airfare into Kaitlyn’s white wine budget. It’s a win-win for everyone!

No grandparents attend because name any senior citizen who would bother with air travel to meet some random slag in Utah.

Meet the family: Vialls

Either the Vialls are vying to replace the Duggars as America’s favorite wholesome creepily religious & oversized family, or Mary Viall somehow missed out on women’s lib.

Kaitlyn orders an intern to make her flash cards for every single one of Nick’s bajillion family members. But she never gets around to studying them on the plane ride back to the states, what with the wine. So for the second time this season, she falls back on Plan B (the first time being the morning after her tryst with Nick):

It’s artfully edited out, but two interns flank Kaitlyn during the entire visit with Nick’s family and whisper the name and a relevant factoid of every family member who approaches. “Bellllaaa, how’s that 4-H club treating you?”

In any case, the Vialls are so devastated that Nick is going down this road again, they’re on the verge of turning the Kaitlyn meet & greet into an intervention for Nick’s The Bachelorette addiction.

Knowing just the right words to put his mother’s mind at ease, Nick tells her that Kaitlyn excels at making out.

Mrs. Viall does feel a little better after her one-on-one time with Kaitlyn. There’s no avoiding comparing the Bachelorettes that have been in her son’s life, and, let’s face it–Andi was a bitch of a woman.

Meet the family: Booths

These people could care less about Kaitlyn, they’re just thrilled to get out of their post-industrial decayed strip-mall excuse of a town for a few days.


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