The Bachelorette – Men Tell All

More than any Tell All I can think of, this season’s was a night of PR orchestrated redemption. The apologies came fast & furious, and Kaitlyn was eager to accept them.

Well done, publicists

Middle school tormentors, frenemies, douchey exes, that person she swore gave her a dirty look that one time– now is the time to come out of the woodwork and make amends with Kaitlyn for any past wrong doing. This woman’s ability to forgive right now is Christ-like.

Ian

The guys weigh in on Ian’s villainous turn. Most days he kept to himself, opting to stay in his room to “read books” (said with disdain) rather than join in on the male bonding. Tanner says Princeton needs to teach a class on “how to not be an ass.” I would argue that Princeton should tackle the assy-ness of its graduates on a micro level, and start by offering a class on how to appreciate a good poop joke. Ben H calls out Ian’s critiques of Kaitlyn because how well did he even know her? Some of us *ahem* made it pretty far and actually got to know Kaitlyn really well. Corey says it was wrong for Ian to refer to the other men as “lames” because it’s a pejorative term for folks who are differently abled no one here walks with a limp. Kinda effed up that “lame” is Ian’s go-to insult when he presumably could have wound up in a wheelchair after his accident. It’s just on the brink of hypocritical/self-loathing, like if when Clint makes homophobic comments.

After they’ve finished airing grievances, Ian stands, removes his jacket, and starts descending the men’s bleacher seating area to address everyone orator-style. It seems like Ian’s about to give his debut Ted Talk, but instead he’s asking the men, America, and his mom for forgiveness, while assuming a one-knee-up stance.

“Please accept this heartfelt apology as an example of my humility, because I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted to be the next Bachelor.”

He also sent Kaitlyn weekly letters which, much to Ian’s dismay and our luck, we never saw. (Can you believe this amateur? Unless whatever you write starts with “roses are red” they ain’t gonna air that.) Ian hands Kaitlyn his final letter, and she looks up at him, shell shocked and terrified, her complexion suddenly pale: “is it mean?”

Kupah

I was in Kupah’s corner when Kaitlyn abruptly sent him home. But he was exactly that–sent home, and well before Nick was in the picture. So for Kupah to be so personally offended by Nick “suckering his way in” to Kaitlyn’s season is confounding. Kupah claims it was disrespectful because some people have babies and some lost their jobs to be there. I’m assuming Kupah falls into that latter category because he showed up in his new Chip & Dale’s uniform.

I spy with my little eye easy-tear pants and a prop neck tie.

Ben Z

Ben H’s brow furrows with concern as his main competition for The Bachelor sits down with Chris Harrison.

They play Ben Z’s Bachelor candidacy reel: +1 for gratuitous footage of Ben Z working out shirtless. -1 for Ben Z’s exit– Kaitlyn didn’t even like him enough to “walk him out” as is customary for the Bachelorette to do if she holds even a modicum of feeling toward the eliminated suitor.

Ben Z makes his pitch for Bachelor: he learned he can open up about himself in a very short amount of time, and he’ll have no trouble at all doing that again going forward. Plus, he can guarantee water works if he’s the next Bachelor, breaking his 11 year drought. Tanner nods as Ben Z strikes all the talking points they’d discussed.

But Chris Harrison says Ben Z will “have no trouble at all finding love.” Translation? See ya never/maybe on the next season of Bachelor Pad.

Jared

Jared is all, I fell in love with Kaitlyn and I’m still dealing with that– Ben H knows what I’m talkin ‘bout (no, Jared, he doesn’t).  Jared is my breakup twin. We both mend our broken hearts by locking ourselves in bed for days playing “Linger” on repeat eating Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Bu—hold up, Jared’s already filmed Paradise yet claims he’s still not over Kaitlyn?

I really don’t appreciate being lied to.

Ben H

Now we watch a montage of Ben H’s greatest hits: teaching a medically inaccurate sex ed class to minors, the all-whites dance off, and his signature move: the dip-kiss baptism. At some point there’s a voiceover of Kaitlyn saying “it’s not natural when Ben H talks about what he’s been through or how he feels.” Say no more– I’m sold. He’s not the Ben Bachelor we thought we’d have, but hopefully he’s a step up from the first Ben Bachelor.

Ben H “tells all” about that night in San Antonio when Shawn had a king bed to himself and Ben H was relegated to the cot. After watching Kaitlyn & Shawn canoodle through the crack in the bathroom door, Ben H realized he may not stand a chance with Kaitlyn, but the chance to be the next Bachelor was his for the taking.

Ben H asks Kaitlyn why she confessed her Nick bang to Shawn and not him. Was it because she wasn’t invested in their relationship? Ding Ding Ding– we have a winner!

Kaitlyn says she compartmentalized her relationships and treated each one differently. With Shawn she decided honesty was the best policy, while with Ben H she felt keeping him in the dark about as much as possible was the best approach. One size does not fit all–she’s just thoughtful like that.

Ryan M

Chris Harrison gives Kaitlyn free-reign to talk to the men and she picks…Ryan M? When playing catch-up with a guy who managed to sexually harass you during the 5 minutes you knew him is less awkward than acknowledging any of the men you actually dated, you may have botched your Bachelorette season.

Introduction to Misogyny

Instructor: Chris Harrison                 Credits: 1/2

Day/Time: M 8:00pm-10:00pm        Location: Ireland, mostly

Enrollment: America                            Textbook information

Course Description: Brief overview of the ugly sexist double standard of Bachelorettes engaging in pre-fantasy suite sex and associated cultural discourses. Line by line analysis of death threats tweeted by scary moms and Corey with an E.

Someone had to sit down with the country and say: you guys, seriously, stop hating women for having sex. I just never thought it would be the host of a reality dating show. Chris Harrison, folks. Guest lecturing at a gender studies department near you.

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