The Bachelorette – Finale

Meet Kaitlyn’s Family
First up: Nick. He’s cool as a cucumber until he learns that Kaitlyn’s already briefed her parents, step-parents, and sister about that time they had pre-fantasy suite sex. Perpetual grudge holder Andi Dorfman tweets:

But Leslie, Mike, Kathy, Rob, and Hailey don’t so much as bat an eye when Kaitlyn divulges her “off camera time” with Nick. The big reaction, rather, comes when Kaitlyn informs everyone that her final 2 guys hate each other with the fire of a thousand suns.

Hate is a 4 letter word in Canada

Bottom line: They don’t give a crap about their 30 year old adult daughter’s sex life. That’s just the common-sense Canadian approach to sex. These are people who equip high schools with daycare so that teen parents can graduate ( I know this from years of Degrassi). Plus, Kaitlyn’s mom is like Paula Abdul crossed with Babbette from Gilmore Girls–she’d never question her daughter’s right to enjoy a steamy night with a hunk. And did anyone actually notice the father figures in Kaitlyn’s life? Not exactly men who serve as the gatekeeper to Kaitlyn’s sexuality.

Approximation of Kaitlyn’s step dad Rob and father Mike.
There’s no denying that Cameron Tucker is Rob’ style icon.

Nick has to convince Kaitlyn’s family that he’s not the arrogant prick they remember from Andi’s season. Shawn has to convince Kaitlyn’s family that he’s not the jealous prick Kaitlyn described him to be.

“Look, she went through 25 other guys–and don’t get me wrong–she realllly went through ’em. Bang bang bang one after the other. But I’m still here. We’re stronger because of it.”

Kaitlyn sets the bar so low for Shawn that her parents are ultimately blown away by him. No way would Leslie gush about how articulate he is unless she’d been prepped for a bumbling idiot.

Last Dates

After spending the day on a boat, Nick presents Kaitlyn with a photo of the two of them and a poem. I wonder how much bad poetry this show has inspired?

Kaitlyn takes Shawn to a vineyard and it’s awkward because no one likes being second to Kaitlyn’s wine.  It’s so bad that he’s rethinking his relationship with Kaitlyn for the millionth time, questioning whether to propose tomorrow despite telling her parents he’d never been more sure of anything in his life. Don’t know about you but that’s the exact thought process I want to have the night before I get engaged.

Kaitlyn is concerned about Shawn’s jealousy emerging when he watches the show. Shawn responds with the most bald-faced lie ever told: that he’ll call Kaitlyn up to LoL about her making out with Joe. Ha! Joe is probably dead now. Shawn murdered Joe.

Shawn presents Kaitlyn with a memory jar that he threw together after wasting a full day going down a pinterest rabbit hole.

Kaitlyn is in love with Nick but loves the way that Shawn makes her feel–like a girl who ended up with a guy like Shawn.

The Final Rose 

We are back at the mansion because this season was a wash and Kaitlyn requests 25 new guys, please and thank you.

Let’s review: NYC in the dead of winter, San Antonio, Ireland, no hometown dates, and now Kaitlyn has to get engaged at the booze & tear soaked structure we call the Bachelor Mansion?

“I’ve had such a fancy season. Charli XCX sings about being in the fast lane from LA to San Antonio, right?”

Someone decided the swimming pool would provide just the right ambiance. You can light that sucker up with all the blue mood lighting you want, but it’s still the same pool where Ryan M almost drowned in a drunken stupor on the very first night. Memories.

First out of the limo is…drum-roll please…oh right, that snapchat kind of completely ruined this, didn’t it?

Nick approaches Kaitlyn and girl is frigid. She couldn’t have kept her hands to herself any more if a nun was on the prowl at a Catholic school dance.

plenty of room for the holy spirit

Which leads me to my next concern. Does Nick just not pick up on social cues?

this face is not a face that wants you to propose

Or, forget social cues–signs from the universe/god? Adding to the sense of doom is a rabbid dog barking in the near distance and a creaky floorboard rigged exactly on Nick’s mark (animal control and a handyman seem to have taken care of everything in time for the real proposal).

Despite Kaitlyn’s cold body language & facial expression of dread, the very real potential of rabies, and standing on a the equivalent of a wooden whoopee cushion, Nick goes through his entire proposal speech. Kaitlyn only cuts him off when he’s clearly about to get down on one knee. She’s not stringing anyone along though, she just needed to take it that far to decide. Like, his hand had to reach for the ring for her to really know he wasn’t the one.

Nick was blindsided because last season Andi had the decency to end it before he even picked out a ring. So when Neil Lane shows up that morning he assumes Kaitlyn has chosen him over Shawn.  Mr. Lane, however, is well aware Nick ain’t the one since he brought the mock display case of cubic zirconia rings. Would your business model include lending out thousands worth in diamonds to a dead man walking?

ring toss
Didn’t think so.

After The Final Rose: Kaitlyn & Nick

The phrase “pre-existing relationship” is used repeatedly to refer to the fact that Kaitlyn and Nick sexted before ever meeting in person when he joined midway through the season. But what grounds substantiate such a relationship? Well, as per the Affordable Care Act it is illegal for an insurance company to deny membership due to a pre-existing condition. Similarly, any person with a pre-existing relationship with the bachelor or bachelorette may not be denied cast membership. I know, Obamacare just got very real.

Nick & Shawn still playing the mirror game

These guys:

Now
Then

Kaitlyn & Shawn

The happy couple make their first non-accidental & fully clothed public appearance.

What’s next for these two? Now that it’s out there, they just want to go to Starbucks Dunkin’ Donuts like any regular New England couple (welcome to the CT way of life, Kaitlyn).

This union was destiny–Shawn recalls watching Chris Soules break up with Kaitlyn last season and sending the following text to his pals:

That Shawn thought to draw a heart on Kaitlyn’s face rather than a dick, that right there my friends, is love.

 

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