Group Date #1
They pull up to “Bachelor High”–a broke LA public school with a cheap location fee. Ben would like the young ladies to compete for the title of his homecoming queen, since SHOCKER all his best memories are from high school. Ben says “If my teachers in high school had looked as good as the women look today, I’d have–” WHOA WHOA WHOA this is a family show!! And, as someone who developed crushes on every 20something teaching assistant she ever had (what up Mr. Bella, Mr. Richter, & Mr. Singh), I assure you: it always ends in tears.
In “science class” vials of mystery chemicals are labeled with Love, Trust, Friendship, and Communication. They have to combine these ingredients to “make Ben’s volcano explo–” OHMYGOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? And here I was thinking you just need baking soda and vinegar! Jubilee gets stuck with Lace as her lab partner (almost as bad as the time you were paired with the fart kid for the entirety of 10th grade). They lose that round, obviously.
In lunch class (?) they bob for apples out of an unsterilized fish tank. Jackie and Lauren H. finish last because of Jackie’s sensitive gag reflex activated by pond scum water. Jackie has the energy of a woman with unshaved legs and armpits–in a good way.
In geography, they have to pin the Indiana on the America– but not while blindfolded or disoriented. Easy, right? Joelle “JoJo,” and Becca flip Indiana horizontally and place it in Pennsylvania’s spot. Buh-bye!
In Gym, enough women have been eliminated by now it actually resembles real PE class, when girls just sat on the bleachers hating their lives rather than participate. The remaining two teams have a free-throw basketball competition. Ben says “this is definitely not like a scene from Hoosiers” and no one understands what the hell he’s even talking about.
Finally, Mandi and Amber duke it out on the track in a hurdling race. Mandi runs barefoot, wins, and gets to wear a Higgins letterman jacket, sash, and tiara all at once. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for a bucket of pig’s blood to be dumped on her face.
Ben and Becca have alone time shooting hoops, because we haven’t watched enough of that today. Jennifer gets a kiss and tells the other women immediately. Lace apologizes to Ben says Ben needs to redeem himself for withholding eye contact from her last night. Jubilee opens up about being a Haitian girl who was adopted at age 6, and all of the sudden I hear the slightest twang of the caribbean in her voice. Following her kiss with Ben, service woman Jubilee keeps her mouth shut and her country proud. Ben takes JoJo to a different part of the roof and that changes her mood from about-to-murder-Lace to over-the-moon. Ben offers JoJo the rose after honorably-mentioning Jubilee for being born in Haiti.
The Master Date
Ben picks Caila for the first 1-on-1, but the date planning is courtesy of Kevin Hart & Ice Cube unpaid interns who grew up in the suburbs. To promote their new movie, Kevin & Ice have arranged the ultimate inexpensive ride along, the definition of which needs immediate clarification since the date was nothing like Training Day. Whether haggling the price of flowers from street peddlers or refusing to go in the liquor store, Caila has a terrified grin plastered to her face throughout the day. Ben tries to get to know Caila by asking things like her favorite color while Kevin & Ice eavesdrop in the backseat ( it’s yellow, because she’s owning her pan-asianness a cheerful gal). They end up at a discount jacuzzi store for a dip, sipping Andre out of plastic champagne flutes. Kevin joins them in the buff while a body-conscious Ice Cube doesn’t want to put on a swimsuit. Good times are had by all Caila would like them to leave now.
Group Date #2
At Love Lab Technologies, Dr. Love and his team of quacks will conduct a series of experiments to determine Ben’s physical compatibility with the women. A retinal tracking test determines what pictures draw their eye. Whose dick pic photo do they look at first between Ben and Sean Lowe? Babies vs Diamonds? Etc. A heat detection test finds out whose eskimo kiss gives Ben the tinglies.
Next, Ben smells each woman while blindfolded and remarks on their odor to humiliate them because pheromones. He’s told to smell “near the reproductive organs” which involves him crouching down to smell their hips from behind. “Flowery” he says of Twin #1. “Beachy” he remarks about OC mom Amanda. Twin #2 and space alien Olivia get “Fruity” and “Sweet.” So basically, he’s just sampled the entire 2016 lineup of Victoria’s Secret fragrances? These women’s natural odors are so deeply entrenched behind layers upon layers of hygienic product, there’s no way he could detect anything generated by a human. Only one scent could possibly be female: “this one’s more sour” he says, taking a whiff of Samantha, the lawyer with smoker’s voice, while she dies inside. As for Shushanna the Russian, Ben picked up notes of cabbage– a staple of any Eastern European diet, and the second key ingredient in borscht.
The highest and lowest overall scores are revealed: in last place with a 2.42/10 is Sourpuss. Olivia comes out on top with a 7.45/10, which she rounds up to 7-and-a-half talking about it the rest of the day
Olivia launches into a social darwinism tirade about weeding out the unfit, and the low self-esteem on the roof is palpable. Samantha is like, if Ben gives me the rose we can round up all the science texts in a massive book burn! Olivia fires back: “if Ben isn’t a believer in science, I’d be concerned.” True, Olivia, but his views on climate change would be a better indicator of backwards thinking than the Love Lab results.
Ben learns more about a few bachelorettes. Shushanna recently immigrated to US with only 2 pairs of shoes, 1 pair of jeans. 2 bottles of vodka, $400, and now she’s a billionaire. Amanda nervously tells Ben she’s a mom, wordvomiting about how the other girls brought pics of their dogs but she didn’t bring any of her children.
Leah is so excited to be here with Ben, has literally nothing else to contribute. Olivia talks to Ben despite having a rose, announces “I’m done, now everybody have at it” like a ruler of the peasant class. Lace “confronts” Olivia but she’s lost all her edge from Week 1. Our “villain” is now about as intimidating as Ashley S.
Meanwhile, Ben’s trying rull hard to be the nice-guy Bachelor. He darts around the house passing out curated tchotckes to the women to let them know they are special to him. He gifts Lauren B. the stewardess with a print-out photograph of the two of them and explains life before instagram. Vintage! Brandishing a hot glue gun, he tracks down Amanda to make rose barrettes for her daughters because “they’re involved too now.” Ermm ok? Sidenote: Knew Ben was a crafter the moment he got that dead bouquet and liked it, probably used it to make pressed flower art.
Jackie, homecoming queen Mandi (*this* is her Carrie moment), and sourpuss Samantha are ELIMINATED. Ben parts ways with Jackie & Mandi with little fanfare. But Samantha gets walked out because of the smelling and everything, which women usually wait to do til date 4 or 5.
When America can sense a woman who dares to have a modicum of an ego, we naturally pounce on the chance to burn that ish to the ground. How’s your confidence now, hot shot?