The Bachelor, Episode 4 recap

The women are forced to wake before 10am despite having been up til the witching hour. Man, being evil is exhausting! Chris Harrison has an announcement: “Ben is no longer in LA.” He allows for a couple beats of silence, the same question racing through everyone’s mind: Did Ben resign his post as The Bachelor after not only NOT seeing his wife in the room last night, but seeing the actual devil?

“He’s moved on to the marriage capital of the world: Vegas”

Flash forward to the women standing on the strip losing their sh*t over an electronic billboard with a “Welcome to Vegas, young ladies” message from Ben. In that moment, Oprah could have given them each a brand new car filled with a year’s supply of bread and they’d be like, kthx Oprah BUT DAT BILLBOARD DOH.

Ben tries to justify taking the women to Adult Disney World: “It’s a place that people *do* get married. It’s a place that people *do* find lo-” Ben, I’m going to have to stop you right there. Rihanna may think you can find love in a hopeless place, but this is pure foolishness.

The women are staying at the luxurious Aria Sky Suites. According to Wikipedia, the Aria Hotel was erected on a former parking lot. They paved paradise and put up a parking lot THEY PAVED THE PARKING LOT AND PUT UP PARADISE.

“I would never, ever stay here if it wasn’t for Ben” says one woman who has only ever stayed at Circus Circus.

“I feel like a baller” says Leah with 100% sincerity, before vanishing for the rest of the episode.

“We can sit here. And do our makeup. And talk about Ben” says Lauren H. aka CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

Olivia has her eye on the 1-on-1  VIP Passes to see Celine Dion. A line has been drawn: Celine on one side, and Britney on the other. Where do you stand?

Master Date

The date card says “JoJo– you give me reflux set my heart on fire.” Ben’s got a surprise in store: he rented out a parking garage for the day, and they have the entire place to themselves. A Bob-Sagety Ben escorts JoJo to the top floor, where they share champagne at a lone cocktail table on the empty tarmac. A helicopter landing wipes out the entire setup and almost blows JoJo’s blouse off, but she’s more concerned about her hair than a nip-slip.

Later, they talk about JoJo’s past relationship. JoJo has trust issues because she wasn’t the only person involved in “their” life. Interesting choice of pronouns. Could JoJo’s ex be a non-cisgendered person?

Since the empty parking garage didn’t quite produce the reaction he wanted, Ben takes JoJo out to yet another rooftop for his final surprise: a firework display that the rest of the women can also see from their suite. A twin says “I’ve never been able to do that. That’s so extravagant!” I thought all Republicans observed the 4th of July?

Group Date:

Welcome to the Terry Fator theatre. I don’t know who that is, and I don’t have even the slightest bit of FOMO to bother googling it. Terry Fator, you and this segment have stolen 7 minutes of my life that I will never get back.  

The date card said “Show me what you got” so Lauren H. suspects the date could involve Vegas showgirls. She’s praying they don’t have to wear nipple tassels. Lauren H: you were BORN for nipple tassels.

But nope, they are putting on a talent show as the opening act for Terry Fator, which will draw an audience of 1,200 obese americans who need to get a life immediately. Terry cautions: “Vegas audiences are the toughest in the world.” LIES Terry. The fact that you have a career here is proof that the Entertainment Bar is low AF.

Lauren H. steers clear of the racy costumes. She dons a full-body chicken suit while singing “Young Ben Higgins has a mansion, r o s e  ROSE” to the tune of Old MacDonald Had a Farm. GENIUS.

The Twins SLAY with an Irish step dance routine.

Jubilee plays a CELLO solo. Unclear if the Terry Fator stage keeps one on hand, or if she travels with her instrument at all times. Probably the latter given her military training. Preparedness and what not.

Rachel the unemployed one can make balloon animals. Go out there and WERK girl!

Lauren B. who’d worried that she was talentless can JUGGLE. I mean, when you look up talent in the dictionary there is literally a picture of someone juggling. 

Caila hula-dances while Amanda hula-hoops. ALL the hulas are represented here.

Leah can work a pogo stick and Jennifer does something with a racket. EXCELLENT.

And then there’s Olivia. Olivia’s eye is drawn to the twinkling showgirl ensemble on the rack. She has zero plan but to rely on being a thin young white lady popping out of a cake while wearing glitter panties.

What she wanted to look like:

giphy

What she actually looked like:

cape

 

Let this be a lesson to us women: Never go on stage in lingerie without a routine choreographed by a stripper. And Olivia, for god’s sake next time just stick to what you’re good at: reporting on local incidences of petty crime. Don’t quit your day job! Oops, too late…

After party

Between referring to Caila as a “sex panther” and tricking Lauren H. into experimenting with puppet stuff, it’s clear that Ben is feeling frisky tonight. The last thing he wants to deal with is another contrived sob story from Olivia. This time, she seeks affirmation for her godawful talent show performance. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed…it wasn’t bad at all” Ben monotones with a blank expression.  Right at that moment Haley interrupts with the best timed steal of the season. Her twin may have been MVP of the soccer game, but Haley is MVP of this episode.

During Ben’s alone time with Emily, she’s in the midst of telling a real dud of a story when they sense Olivia lurking in the shadows. Ben’s like– NO EMILY PLEASE CONTINUE I REALLY WANT TO HEAR THIS. Soon enough, Ben realizes he’ll have to kiss Olivia’s face to shut her up, so he does himself, and us, a solid.

Lauren B. is falling for Ben but questions if the feeling is reciprocal. “Why would he like me out of all of these girls?” the most conventionally attractive woman in the house ponders aloud. Lauren B. sounds dumb as rocks, so maybe she has a point? NOPE GETS GROUP DATE ROSE.

Master Date #2

Ben is officially ordained to marry in the state of Nevada, and a host of destitute couples have agreed to let The Bachelor do the honors in exchange for a free tux rental, David’s Bridal gown, and $60 marriage licence. His lifelong dream of becoming a mega-church pastor just got more real. Becca gets to watch.

I would like to take this time to remind everyone that it is currently week 4 and Becca would marry Ben TODAY. This is the same girl who made it to the Final 2 with Chris Soules– a man she wouldn’t have said yes to if he asked her to dinner.

Twin-on-1 Date

It’s been 4 weeks and the twins have largely failed to distinguish themselves as unique individuals. Emily’s thumb cast is bound to be removed any day now too, so we’ll really be shit out of luck. The time has come for one of them to go. Ben settles it with a quick eeny meeny and cuts Haley loose in her childhood bedroom, leaving her with mom to pick up the pieces. What a guy!

Rose Ceremony

Ben eliminates Rachel, the unemployed one and Amber, the one who– after doing three straight seasons of The Bachelor franchise in a row–is probably unemployed now too.

 

 

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