The Bachelor, Episode 5 recap

Ben has a hankering for missionary work, so The Bachelor is about to get international. First stop: Mexico City, “the political and cultural capital of the country” Ben reads off the Wikipedia page. No one even needs to ask which country, so we’re off to a good start. 

Master Date

The date card says “Amanda, let’s put all our eggs in one basket.” Ben has a full day planned at a fertility clinic to see if her reproductive situation is stale. Yeesh Ben, Amanda may already have 2 kids but she’s still only 25. There’s plenty of time before she needs to start freezing ova.

It’s 4:30am and Ben is outside the girls’ hotel suite looking suspiciously lively for that hour. Inspired by the abduction crisis in the country, he breaks into the women’s room before dawn and wakes Amanda up via flashlight to the eyes. She “gets ready” –i.e. was clearly tipped off and applied false eyelashes before bed– while Ben plays Guess Who with the other women, mostly unrecognizable sans makeup and hair extensions.

In the limo, Ben tells Amanda he’s taking her to do something that he’s never done before, and she’s like well then I’ve probably never done it either. WRONG Amanda, you’ve seen an obgyn many a time!

Oh, that’s not what the date is? Ok then.

Ben takes Amanda on a hot air balloon ride over the ruins of Teotihuacan.  Nope, sorry, I prefer my version.

Later, Amanda opens up about her divorce. She found her husband’s burner phone containing texts with ex-girlfriends and tinder hookups. Amanda gave him many chances to change, but he has an addictive personality and couldn’t give up the thrill of swiping right. It’s embarrassing for Amanda to talk about, but Ben responds nicely in his typical  life-coach/motivational speaker way we’ve come to know and love DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP.

Group Date

The date card says “Como se dice ‘this way to a man’s heart‘?” I’m 100% certain the expression is *the* way to a man’s heart, but that’s neither here nor there.

The most frumpty dumpty man in all of Mexico is tasked with teaching the women Spanish so Ben can assess their foreign language competency for missionary work. The women take turns letting Ben tell them “I’m falling in love with you” in Spanish. It’s great prep for when he does his missionary work and inevitably abuses the power imbalance falls in love. None of the women are able to distinguish the language exercise from reality. For most, this means swooning giddily as Ben practices saying romantic things in a romance language. But for Jubilee, this means getting jealous. She’s like, “You said that to the last 4 girls, soo..” Señor Frumpty shouts “EN ESPAÑOL POR FAVOR JUBILEE!” She rolls her eyes: “Ya dijiste la misma cosa a cuatra niñas.”  

Hope the young ladies took good notes, because now they have to read a recipe in Spanish and shop for ingredients at a local market (apparently in Mexico it’s customary to tell the butcher “I want to kiss you” when selecting a pork chop). They’re screwed, but not much more so than if they had to read the recipe in English.

Brother-sister chef team Lula and Nico will judge the cook-off. They instruct the group to pair up because when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together, or something. Ben picks Olivia to be his partner over Jubilee, then wonders why Jubilee is in a less than chipper mood the rest of the day.

Jubilee gets paired with Lauren B, and their dish wins the whole shebang. “This recipe has to be in the restaurant” the chefs declare.  Wait, didn’t you give them the recipe? Never mind.

“If you can cook you’re ready to get married. I’m ready to get married” says Jubilee. QUICK SOMEBODY CANCEL MASTERCHEF JR.

Olivia & Ben don’t fair so well. “We made a duck sandwich and I decided to put some crickets on it” explains Olivia.  Just TRY to tell me she’s not an alien.

After-party

Ben doesn’t think Jubilee enjoyed herself today, even though she JUST said “Today was one of the better group dates. It was awesome winning the cooking competition.” Why the disconnect? Jubilee has a classic case of Resting Bitch Face, but Ben learned in Sunday School that women were put on this Earth to smile at him. They’re doomed.

Ben reaches for Jubilee’s hand, but she’s not comfortable with PDA in front of the others. Plus, a couple hours ago he took a hard pass on being her partner, so maybe he should work harder to earn her affection right now? Jubilee explains “on group dates I always feel overshadowed by like the Lauren Bs and the Beccas and the JoJos” — because incase you hadn’t noticed, Jen, Emily & Leah are just here on borrowed time.

So, what say you Ben?

“I just want to hold your hand Jubilee and you pull away from me. How is that supposed to make ME feel?”

America, I give you rape culture.

Ben sends Jubilee home, then gives Olivia the Group Date rose because they reconnected even though she had been struggling for a while went onstage in lingerie & managed to bonerkill the room.

Master Date #2

Lauren H, human equivalent of a grown-up cabbage patch doll, gets the second 1-on-1 this week. The date card says “Let’s design a life together.” Ben returns to the fertility clinic with Lauren H, but he’s confident her eggs are still fresh. Instead they’ll do some genetic testing and design a boutique Aryan baby using the best of their DNA.

Fine.

Ben takes Lauren H to Pineda Covalin, which looks like every museum gift shop I’ve ever been to (lots of silk scarves) but is actually a fashion haus hacienda. They’re invited to attend the brand’s Fashion Week show. After Mexican Kelly Cutrone sees the American Reality TV contestants are tall, thin, and conventionally attractive, and Lauren H proves she can walk the runway without robot arms (“SOFT ELBOWS MI AMOR”), they are cleared to model for the show.

Backstage, Ben can’t resist the opportunity to life-coach/motivate Lauren H, telling her “There’s nobody here that looks as beautiful as you. There’s nobody here that should be as confident as you.”

giphy (1)
Her?

Not even one of those glamazons with years of modeling experience? 

Cocktail Party

Olivia says Amanda’s life reminds her of watching Teen Mom, but Olivia reminds us of True Life: I was Homeschooled.

Also, Amanda had her kids at ages 22 & 24. So the logical conclusion of Olivia’s Amanda-Teen Mom comparison is that Olivia, age 23, identifies as a teenager.

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