Cocktail Party continued
Emily sobbed incoherently into Ben’s suit jacket, so the women are convinced that he’s pulled Olivia aside to rescind her group date rose and send her packing. Right, the most polite Bachelor in show-history will break the Cardinal Rule of Etiquette 101 and take back something he gifted one of his Young Ladies. When pigs
are treated in such a way that PETA is obsolete** fly!
“Like when you ask me how things are going in the house, they’re fine–because I can handle everything” Olivia insists. As if being hated by 9 women were akin to being a high school student with a full AP course load, extracurriculars, and making sure nanna takes her medication. Does Olivia LOOK like Matt Saracen to you?
**see Group Date
Jen doesn’t get a rose. She always hated how Olivia pretended to be friends with the women around Ben. It’s like being passed up for promotion by
someone who surfs the web whenever the boss isn’t looking me and you and everyone we know.
Despite the dramatic evening, Ben remains optimistic. “As low as some of these points can get, it’s going to lead to a really great life”— is that what we’re calling people reading slanderous rumors about you in the checkout aisle followed by a brief stint on Dancing With The Stars?
The NY Times named Mexico City the #1 place to go in 2016, but the women can’t wait to get the hell out of there and be on their merry way to the Bahamas, a proper romantic destination, and the Times #1 place to go in 1992. Plus, half of last season was filmed in Ireland, so they’re feeling #blessed just to be at the beach instead of an old man pub.
Leah— the most underutilized contestant of the season– has finally been repurposed as the cast gofer. It all started a couple weeks back when Jubilee ordered Leah to interrupt Ben’s alone time with frontrunner Lauren B. Jubilee may be gone, but the women still enjoy the fruits of her people management skills as Leah pops champagne behind the bar counter to serve their 10am breakfast mimosas.
But she’s growing restless, as the help inevitably do. She’s the only woman left not to have had proper alone time with Ben. So when Chris Harrison brings the only 1-on-1 date card of the week and Leah’s name ain’t on it, she loses her shit.
When Ben arrives to get Caila for their second 1-on-1 date, Leah still has tears in her eyes as Ben
saddles up next to her on the couch sits on her by accident, didn’t see her there!
Ben wants to find out if there’s anything behind Caila’s perma-smile. “I’m guessing you smile just through really tough times. I think in a relationship like, I’m looking for somebody who will like come back and cry with me, cause I’ll probably cry with them.”
But Caila isn’t ready to show Ben her programmatic modes beyond factory-setting “cheerful.” Still, she manages to share “I feel like I love you” and “it feels like I’m gonna hurt you” in the same breath. This confuses him, but Caila knows she’s in love because she feels understood, especially when Ben calls her a sex panther.
Back at the house, Lauren H comforts Leah the same way she would a child in her Kindergarten class– she strokes Leah’s hair, wipes her tears, and delivers a bald-faced lie: “Maybe he’s just not sure about her and and he needs more time, but he is sure about you.”
JoJo predicts the day will involve some sort of physical activity in the water, so they prepare by
wearing sturdy water shoes dressing for Coachella.
They hang out with beach-dwelling pigs and feed them hot dogs, but Ben fails to specify chicken hot dogs. Cuz that would be
STANDARD FACTORY FARMING PRACTICE YOU IGNORAMUS disgusting.
“When you’re done feeding them go like this [[crosses arms]], they’ll go away from you.” Ben tries this later with Olivia, but no luck.
After they all go hog-wild, Lauren B and Ben hog the rest of the date, putting the others in a foul mood. Ben can sense the tension: “all of a sudden in the Bahamas, in the most rela– ONE of the most relaxed places in the world [[he corrects himself, remembering Boulder]] everything’s misfiring.”
Fresh off her Mexico City 1-on-1, Lauren H complains to Leah–woman Ben has yet to meet: “I quit my job to come here to have someone not even speak to me because they think other girls are hotter.”
“Dude you are just as hot as them” Leah insists, repaying Lauren H’s white lie from yesterday.
Ben approaches JoJo to kvetch about everyone being a debbie downer over his favoritism of Lauren B, insisting, “ It’s hard for me too, and that’s why I feel so self conscious of it. I really do, like especially today, like I don’t know what the %#$& to do right now.”
Benjamin Higgins. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
It’s almost sundown and Ben still hasn’t acknowledged Leah’s presence. “Do you want to make your way over there? And say ‘Hey, can I talk to you for a second?’ JoJo offers. MY GOD the handholding Leah requires. Leah begrudgingly obliges.
Ben: “Do you like pigs?”
Leah: “I like pigs. I like to eat pigs.” SSHHH NOT IN FRONT OF THE PIGS!! Have you any soul??
Leah advises Ben to beware the woman he has the strongest connection with. Ben does not screen this suggestion for Leah’s biases/own interests– instead runs straight to Lauren B to ask what’s wrong with her.
Ben gives the Group Date rose to Amanda, the woman with the
most positive attitude throughout the day lowest bar for how she should be treated by a man.
Leah sneaks out to Ben’s suite to tell the manchild he can’t play with his favorite toy, because that’ll end well.
Meanwhile, the women figure out Leah threw Lauren B under the bus despite denying involvement. Amanda notes “She said ‘I didn’t say your name’– which means what? Like, she said ‘Oh, a blonde girl’? You know like, she might as well have said your name.” Way to read the fine-print, Amanda! Looks like someone was a corporate attorney in her past life.
After telling Leah to GTFO of his sight, Ben bows his head over a glass of red. “I’m praying for some light in this because right now this just feels like a lot of darkness.” Pray all you want Ben– we all heard you use foul language earlier.
2-on-1: Olivia vs Emily
The Rose is tied down to a rock to keep it from blowing away, but tell me a greek tragedy where the protagonist didn’t wind up tied to a rock somewhere. You can’t- there aren’t any. The Bachelor is deep.
Olivia thinks she’s a shoo-in, but Emily actually has the advantage: two decades of experience avoiding third wheel as the more dominant twin.
Olivia complains she’s going to feel like Emily’s mom on the date. It’s true, Em’s Vegas Mama would so cougar up a 26 y.o dude.
Olivia professes her love to Ben in the same uninterrupted tangent in which she uttered these gems:
I’m very like in tune with my body
Deep intellectual things are just my jam
During Ben’s alone time with Emily, Emily gives a passionate pitch for why he should give their relationship a shot:
I want this to be the turning point of everything for us
I want to be here more than you know, more than I’ve expressed, more than I’ve been able to express
Ultimately, Ben did feel a connection with Emily’s mom, and he’d like to have the option to explore that at hometowns.
Ben cancels the cocktail party and eliminates Lauren H. Farewell my dear. You, your lovely midwestern dialect, and your spray tan will be missed.