The Bachelor, Episode 9 recap

We’re back in the Caribbean– the ONLY place suitable for basics to find love. “Jamaica just has a freedom to it” Ben declares, letting his feet breathe in flip-flops. I don’t think mandals were a priority for Jamaicans negotiating independence in 1962 but OK. In any case that is irresponsible footwear for climbing up ruins, where he ponders his final three Young Ladies. 

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Caila

Pro: she’s smiley (nice!)

Con: she’s smiley (actually extremely creepy)

Lauren

Pro: she’s blonde (ideal white woman)

Con: she’s blonde (too good for him)

JoJo

Pro #1: Not always smiley (has the depth of character that Caila lacks)

Pro #2 : Brunette (beautiful but not untouchable like Lauren. See? Here is she is being ambushed by a pack o’ pigs. There’s her trusty unicorn mask. Ben can be HIMSELF around that. Ben is CONFIDENT around that. TEAM JOJO)

Con: her family cray

CAILA

Ben repeats his favorite made-up Caila soundbite: that he has the “deepest” relationship with her. Right, and God is relevant.

An Uber rafter rows them down the Martha Brae River. His presence stifles their conversation like if the waiter came over to refill your breadbasket BUT DIDN’T LEAVE.

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“We have our breadsticks– NOW GO”
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Jamaican farmers once used bamboo rafts to transport goods via the network of inland rivers. Today, they transport tourists who remark how the country “feels very Jurassic Park.” Do gondola guides in Venice put up with this ish?? Reserve your tour here, including Jerk chicken lunch!

Things that could make this date better:

  • The awkward silence needs to go. Can’t Ben sync up his Spotify playlist to the Uber rafter’s sound system?
  • A change in elevation. If this were their 4th helicopter ride they would be having the time of their effing lives right now.
  • Turn this snooze cruise into a booze cruise.  Where the rum at?

“Don’t stress out- just enjoy it” he orders Caila before force-kissing her face. Spoiler alert: the same thing happens in the Fantasy Suite.

Over dinner, Caila tells Ben that she’s in love. “I do have something for you” Ben announces, revealing his dick in a box the Fantasy Suite key from Chris Harrison. There are FIREWORKS as Ben & Caila make their way to the Fantasy Suite. They briefly pause to acknowledge the display and continue on to the bedroom, where Ben finally gets to give his sex panther a spin. The fireworks are an indicator of what’s to come only heighten the inevitable mediocrity of their sex.

Lauren

Lauren is sporting her worst look of the season to date. A knit crop tank-top that pronounces her tummy paired with a denim diaper.

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A British boomer by the name of Mel welcomes Ben & Lauren to Gibraltar Beach, where they’ll be interfering with God’s plan releasing a baby sea turtle nest. The marine biology student called and would like her internship back.

“This is a baby hawksbill” Mel says, but in his harry potter ass accent it sounds like he’s saying horcruxMel instructs them to rinse the sand off the baby hawksbills in the ocean, and Ben performs his first sea turtle baptisms.

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Before tipping o’er the bucket o’ freshly baptized turtle babies, they bow their heads as Ben leads a prayer to the Lord: “Thank you for allowing Lauren & I for being here today. For doing this together. Amen”

Later at dinner, they discuss Lauren’s hometown visit over a bowl of the  local delicacy– turtle soup.

“Your family was incredible” he gushes about the whitest family he met, adding “and so are these sea turtles. Delicious!”

Lauren tells Ben she loves him, and he he tells her “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.”  Lauren is just tickled by this- what a pleasant surprise! It’s all gonna work out. Can’t believe she ever doubted it would, for like, 5 minutes that one time.

JoJo

JoJo has never been the first one to say “I love you.” It’s just a principle she has. But as she and Ben leap into a waterfall together, she decides to go for it, and expresses her true feelings. “JoJo- I love you too” Ben replies. Praise god– finally an appropriate reaction. Like are you even ALLOWED to BE SAYING THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW?!?!

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When The Bachelor says he loves you before the Final Rose, THIS is how you should react.

As for Ben, he never imagined being in love with TWO women and wishes “there was some kind of guide or something to help me in this situation.”  Maybe the Uber rafter?

Also, I’m no mathematician but it’s down to 3 women and Ben has told 2 of them he’s in love. Sooo, least dramatic rose ceremony ever?

CAILIMINATION

Caila arrives at Ben’s complex to remind him she’s still here and that a life with her would be “fun & full of surprises & ALWAYS end on a high note.”  She goes inside uninvited and wanders around the empty rooms in search of The Bachelor. This is what it looks like when Caila breaks into your home surprises you.

Despite wearing shoes on concrete she noiselessly prances up from behind to force kiss his face while covering his eyes. PAYBACK BITCH.

Caila’s interruption of Ben’s alone time and the non-consensual kiss throw him off. He’s like- um can you just give me a second? I’m not used to interacting with other humans unannounced and need to ask the producers what my lines are for this scene.

After pow-wowing with the on-set writers, Ben tells Caila that he’s in love with 2 women here and unfortunately she isn’t one of them. “It’s really hard to imagine saying goodbye to you” he recites. “That sounds like a line” she snaps dismissively. She would know– literally everything Caila has ever said is a regurgitation of 23 years worth of  romance films and romantic comedies. And her choice of words during the dramatic breakup scene that unfolds is no exception, including her parting words before getting into the black SUV: “I really did love you.

But Caila has second thoughts about leaving, practically jumping out of the vehicle as it’s pulling away. “WAIT– so did you know this week?” she asks, her mind replaying their overnight shenanigans. “Not until after” Ben lies. Getting to Fantasy Suite three women is his consolation prize for putting up with 25 women from the start. “I will miss you– so many things about you. Please don’t make me list them.”

Rose Ceremony

JoJo brings the va va voom. Lauren wears a mumu.

Unaware Caila got the boot, they both size each other up and try to feign the appropriate amount of anxiety for a woman unsure if Ben likes her back.

The vibe is HAPPY right now– like, Final Rose happy. They’re engaged happy. All three. To each other.  Group hug?

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